


Sun Burn

by lunarfullsun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged Up, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Boy Love, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Going to be long, Hate, Highschool AU, I DONT KNOW???, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Na Jaemin Are Best Friends, Love, Love/Hate, M/M, Memories, My First AO3 Post, Party, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Suicidal Thoughts, Timeskip, angry mark lee, ego hurt, eye opening, haechan art major, haechan artist, haechan is mean, johnny is richie rich, lee donghyuck |haechan & na jaemin are siblings, love triangles kin of, lucas is a frat boy, sexual content in later chapters, what else?, will add tag as the chapters progress, yuta is a drug dealer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:53:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 36,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24828616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunarfullsun/pseuds/lunarfullsun
Summary: haechan gets a backlash for being the way he is. no matter what he does, he can't undo what happened. from being called beautiful to being called a slut, he's heard it all. but nothing could prepare him for the loss he went through for wanting something stupid. so he tries to change the way he is and start fresh leaving everything and everyone from past and move into a new city for college. but running away from the past is not possible when it doesn't want to  let go of you. somehow he tries to find himself. will he ever be able to forgive and forget?.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Kang Mina/Mark Lee (NCT), Kim Yerim | Yeri/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 95
Kudos: 142





	1. sad? dont bee

The sun was brightest that day.

The day starting way too sooner than expected and haechan groaned. Even though he is referred to as the ‘full sun’ among his bunch of friends, it was quite the contrast that he doesn’t like summer at all. Like at all…

Kicking the blanket off his body and burying his sweaty face in the pile of pillows, he let out a scream. And soon he heard a pair of footsteps approaching outside his room and the door clicked open.

“mom said you need to shut up.” the irritated voice made haechan look its way.

“jaemin…” he whined. “I’m gonna die.” It was a typical Thursday. and his whining was not anything new. Drama was his second name. and jaemin knew that very well.

jaemin sighed and came inside and made himself comfortable on his brother’s fluffy white chair.

“if it is about this heat then that’s alright.” jaemin scoffed. His brother made a noncommittal groan. “but. If it is about mark, then I have no choice but to whoop your ass and tell mom that you are planning to lose your v card bitch.”

Haechan sat up, “I don’t know. But I can tell mom that you just swore??” he said with a huff in the end knowing his mom wouldn’t give two shits about how much jaemin swears. He is the goody-two-shoes golden child jaemin after all.

jaemin rolled his eyes, “he is a jerk. Got it? A JERK.” He stood up abruptly and pointed his finger towards haechan like the drama queen he is because apparently it runs in the family. “if he decides to get the fuck out of your life then you should let him. The only thing that you have to remember is that you should not let him in the second time around. Screw that. It’s already past the second time.”

“but he-“

“no! actually he is not coming in your life but you are chasing him. Since forever!”

“it’s not my fault he got me all worked up. And it’s not my fault that I can't stop thinking about this shit.” Haechan pouted in defeat.

Jaemin rolled his eyes. He sure has a point, he thought. He chewed his lips for a moment, thinking. then he sat again and said. “you can't stop thinking about him huh?” he smirked. “We can do something about that.”

Haechan huffed out a breath. “what in the world are you going to do about it?”

Jaemin puffed out his chest and made a fist. “as a responsible brother I have a brilliant idea to make you forget that asshole.”

Haechan slowly sat up. Eying his brother who just looks like he is on a mission to save the president. Maybe he should let jaemin know this is a bad idea even before hearing him. Haechan doesn’t like change. He wants everything the way it is. The only change he would like is to be mark’s boyfriend.

“ugh, this can't be good.” He murmured.

“hey, I heard that.” he looked pointedly at haechan but made his game face again. “this can actually work.” And he started giggling.

“you okay ?” haechan stared at his brother who was just laughing to himself. “now care to share the joke with me.”

“oh Imma tell you alright. But now just freshen up. You’ve got tasks to do.” With that. jaemin went out of his room. Leaving a confused haechan who was slowly doubting his brother’s sanity. Today was going to be such a long day he needs to be prepared. Mark or not. He needs his dose of makeup right now.

Haechan finally moved his lazy ass off the bed and went to the bathroom. He nearly gagged looking at himself in the mirror because boy, he looked awful. Two nights of crying and rolling across the bed wrapped in a blanket like a burrito are really taking a toll on him. Not to be dramatic and all but he actually looks like dog poop stepped on by someone.

Huh. He DID NOT like what he’s seeing.

His hair was sticking out everywhere and when he tried to smooth it down it only sprung out like it has its own will. His eyes booked baggy and red, skin oily and pale because he hasn’t been outside for a whole two days. And lastly, he really looked pathetic like he just got dumped by his boyfriend of years.

Wait.

That’s what happened. Except mark wasn’t a boyfriend of years. He KNEW mark for years though, and not once he looked his way. Was he too much? Did he not like his bright personality? Everyone likes him so why can't mark?

His eyes welled up again and he blinked them quickly. And started cleaning his teeth furiously like his life depended on it. 

He went to school that day with a confident puff in his chest as he got an intense pep talk session from jaemin just before they were getting out of the door. He had put extra sparkly makeup, wore his best skinny jeans and the prettiest shirt he could find in his closet. His was really in the mood. You know, the one where you wanna turn heads in a flick of your frilled sleeves. He had a good feeling about today as he pulled up in the school parking lot.

Today every eye was on him, a smirk on his lips, a sway to his hips, and the occasional catcalls in the hallway. His was on cloud nine, jaemin on his side equally proud of his brother because hey, his pep talk actually worked.

“hey haechan!”

“hey, pretty.”

“looking good, haechan!”

“nice shirt!”

And a-

“what the hell did you do to yourself?”

Haechan blinked, “excuse me?”

There stood renjun looking at haechan head to toe, squinting. but soon broke into a genuine smile. “coz you look hella good.”

“Thanks.” Haechan replied with a high five and a cocky grin. He was 1000% sure that he is going to move on from mark by the end of this week. Because he doesn’t want to miss this year’s junior party at johnny’s, crying away his sob story as a pathetic spare mark has him reduced to. No. he will find a date and wear the prettiest dress and makeup he put aside especially for the occasion. No, mark is not going to ruin it.

“hey, jaemin. I was wondering if you are free tonight to go to the museum with me?” haechan was pulled out of his bubble by renjun who was trying not to blush.

Jaemin was excited, haechan knew it. also, the ‘museum’ tamed his excitement, he knew that too. “oh I am. Free that is.” Jaemin stammered as he gazed the older with hearts in his eyes.

Haechan rolled his eyes. He wishes jaemin and renjun would just kiss and get married already. Because he was tired of their dance they did around each other and of course to be the third wheel every time they hang out. Renjun and jaemin were deciding on when to meet up when the three reached their locker and haechan started taking out his extra books from his backpack. As he was doing his usual thing, he heard a slam of a locker nearby causing him to get startled and ready to yell at whoever the fuck it was.

He looked passed jaemin and renjun talking to the person he was not ready to see today. The mustered up confidence suddenly called goodbye for the day and the tears were already on their way to embarrass him. His face started to contort and that’s when jaemin noticed his brother being the cry baby.

“what’s wrong- oh yeah.”jaemin sighed. While renjun stared at haechan in worry who was dabbing his eyes. “hey. you gotta man up.” He scolded haechan as he shielded his view of mark. “did you forget what I said at home?”

Haechan shook his head, slowly getting his shit together and he rolled his shoulders taking a deep breath. “imma show him, jaemin.”

“that’s right! Fighting!” jaemin patted his back and turned to renjun with a sickeningly sweet smile.

“umm what was that all about?” renjun asked, glancing between haechan, jaemin, and mark’s retreating back. Jaemin hooked his arms with renjun and dragged him towards the staircase.

“I’ll explain to you on the way ‘cause we gon be late.” And he turned around and yelled, “haechanie don’t forget what I said. Do it exactly I said coz it is going to work a hundred percent.” And with that, he and renjun disappeared.

And haechan was left alone in the hallway with a whole day ahead of him to survive. How he’s going to do that he has no idea.

…

“ight imma head out.”

“where the fuck do you think you are going?” jaemin gritted through his teeth as he began to drag haechan towards the cafeteria. There were already a lot of people and what jaemin had suggested now seemed like an absurd idea to follow. Though he can't say that loud.

“jaemin I don’t think this is a good idea?” he cautiously croaked out as they entered the cafeteria, nervousness lacing his voice.

“too bad. You are late.” He smiled widely as he waved in the direction of a table whose people waved back. He dragged haechan along. “they are going to love it haechan and you too, coz you are definitely going to fall in love with lucas.” He giggled happily as they approached the table which consisted of five people.

“hey jaemin! Hi haechan! Come sit with us!” jungwoo, as haechan remembers, patted the seat next to him.

“hello everyone!” jaemin chirped and hurriedly took the seat next to jungwoo and pulled haechan to the seat next to lucas.

“hi.” He breathed out as lucas smiled at him. To say lucas was handsome would be an understatement because boy, he outshone all the jocks out there. He had the perfect pair of eyebrows, perfect pair of plump lips, and his eyes…

“hello haechan.” Lucas replied, which broke haechan out of his stupor. Jaemin is definitely not going to let him live past that. He grimaced at the thought.

“haechan, this is chenle,” jaemin patted a green haired smiley boy, “that is jeno-“ he said pointing to a black haired buff guy with the smiley-est eyes he has ever seen (he was handsome tho). Too bad haechan missed the way jaemin blushed as jeno winked his way and a small hi to haechan.

“anddd this is my baby jisung.” So-called giant ‘baby’ jisung dodged jaemin kissy lips and muttered a little ‘not a fucking baby’.

He looked around the table and signed in relief. Jaemin chatted with jeno animatedly. He is always like that, never holding back to do anything. Loving, forgiving, empathic, full of life. Anything that haechan wasn’t. on the surface, they were almost the same. The cheerful personality and good looks and popularity. But haechan, the full sun had his darker side. The darker side which sometimes makes him envious and hateful of everything he didn’t have. Like right now the ability to converse like jaemin. Like the way jeno’s eyes flicker to his lips not so subtly. Like how he got two persons liking him at the same time when haechan couldn’t even ask mark lee out properly without being the bitch he was being called. He sighed again. He thinks he is just misunderstood and needs a filter sometimes in his mouth. Yeah. That’s it.

“hey. I noticed you didn’t bring your lunch.” Lucas interrupted his train of thoughts.

He put his million-dollar smile. Mark lee can go and shove his dick up his ass, he couldn’t care less.

But still, it stings.

“yeah.” he answered dragging the syllable. “I’m actually on a strict diet. My mom said I need to look good for my birthday two months from now. So I asked her to put me on a decent diet so I can throw the party of the year for you guys. What d you think?” he looked at lucas with his hands on his chin. He knew he was rambling but he couldn’t help the nervous bundle present in his tummy ever since mark rejected him.

His ego boosted tenfold when lucas looked him up and down and smiled extra wide. He might pass out, god.

“I think you would look good in any way.” He leaned in on haechan’s ear, where he could feel his breathe grazing his skin, “by the way, you are very cute up close. Can’t wait to know you better.”

Haechan internally cringed, but turned his way with a lazy smile anyway, “yeah?”

“yeah.” Lucas leaned back with a satisfied smile, “are you going to johnny’s next week?”

“of course. Can’t miss that.”

“wanna go together? In case you are going alone?”

Should haechan say no? should he give asking mark lee out another go? He might call him a whore next time if he goes up to him again. He should probably say yes to lucas because even though he is still stuck with the idea of mark being his ideal date, he really shouldn’t miss the chance to go out with a hotshot like lucas. Hm.

Jaemin would approve. Wasn’t it the reason he dragged haechan to sit with lucas in the first place?

“I was planning to go alone..” no he wasn’t. “…but why not?”

He knew rumors of him being rejected by mark is all over the place but no one dared to look at him with judging eyes. But now that he scored a date with lucas, he feels like it isn’t that bad to be the talk of the town. People are going to be worshipping him and lucas at the party and he is going to eat it all up. It’s what he is living for. People are going to get another thing to talk about.

‘haechan and lucas at johnny’s looking like the gods they are’


	2. get out of my face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the light you see at the end of a tunnel may turn out to be a train moving your way to destroy your life.  
> -luna  
> (lmao, I’m sorry for the shitty summary. 😣)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there isnt much here in this chapter but the next chapter hopefully next week is going to be spicy. i promise you that. enjoy reading!!  
> (also lowercase intended.)

“All I’m saying is this kind of dress should only be allowed in a strip house. What will john’s parents say??” haechan’s mom looked him up and down, eyes wide.

“mom! His parents are not home!” he whined, “jaemin, tell her this is okay.”

Jaemin looked up reluctantly from his switch, “actually… mom is right.” He smirked, eyes glinting with mischief. He can be a pain in the ass if he wants to. Haechan groaned and turned to his mother.

“What is wrong with this shirt?” he asked, exasperated.

His mom put her hands on her hip and looked at him incredulously, “what is wrong? First of all it doesn’t have any back.” Haechan scoffed and opened his mouth to retaliate. But his mom continued, “second it doesn’t have any front. And what are those pants? Where did you even get them? Did you purposely burn them while ironing? My hands will fit in those holes!! Go change and wear something decent.”

“mom these are stylish, okay? I’m going to a party-“ his voice got louder.

“don’t talk to me in that tone-“

“P-A-R-T-Y!!” haechan yelled.

“you brat! GO TO YOUR ROOM AND CHANGE IMMEDIATELY!” his mom’s voice boomed across the house. Yes, his mom is scary sometimes and haechan is scared right now. He doesn’t want himself to be grounded just because he wanted to wear this shirt. He feared his mother the most when she threatens to take away his allowance and ground him for life. As beautiful as she is, her bites can be uglier.

He stomped like a child and ran upstairs, jaemin following with lazy footsteps with his attention still at the switch. Once they went inside his room, haechan plopped down on his bed and whined, “I don’t want to change jaemin-ah. Do something.”

“are you stupid or something?” jaemin rolled his eyes as he made his way towards the walk-in closet. “you can just wear something bigger outside so that the shirt is hidden. And you can tell mom that you changed, dummy.”

Haechan’s mouth fell open as he stared at jaemin, “you think I didn’t think of that? I’m not THAT stupid FYI.”

He walked up to jaemin and stared at his Balenciaga collection. “the problem is that lucas is picking me up and I can’t possibly just change in front of him!” he rolled his eyes as he picked up a brown pullover and made a face. “you think something like this would please him? I don’t fucking think so.”

Jaemin rummaged through the closet and pulled out a red turtleneck. “you can just wear something like this and tell him that it’s too hot, so you want to remove this.” He handed the garment to haechan, who hummed.

Jaemin continued, “lucas is a guy who wouldn’t refuse to a free striptease. You should know by now. And don’t you think you are way too good at stuff like that?” jaemin smiled as he picked up haechan’s phone as it pinged.

Haechan grinned, “you know me so well brother.”

“now hurry. Lucas said he is on his way.”

As he was getting ready, jaemin went to get ready himself. he opened his jewelry box to change his earrings when a little sun charm necklace caught his eyes. ‘mark’ was written in small letters at its center with a marker. He smiled.

The thing is, haechan knew mark since the first year of middle school and the later was in his 2nd year. To be honest, haechan was infatuated with mark ever since his eyes fell on him. To say he was nice would be an understatement, he was godly. Good in academics, sports, arts, look, money. You name it. he got it all. But what made him extra special for haechan was that he was actually a good friend. They used to hang out at each other's house every weekend and share stories of places they spend their summer vacation. Haechan still keeps the sun charm mark gifted him in his third year of middle school. Mark told him he got it from Hawaii when he went with his uncle to the beach stores. He said as long as he has his tan skin and brown eyes, he needs to keep the charm with him and write mark’s name on it because it will bring good luck. So he does.

Mark was, to say the least, was someone who he looked up to. Still does. But it all came crashing down when he came out when he was a high school freshman and started being the way he is and mark started dating soon after. And to make it worse, he developed this gross thing called feelings when mark started to distance himself. Jaemin said it was because he was grieving for the loss of his friendship and to not mind it much till it goes away but he knew better. The more he watches mark and his long term girlfriend mina in the hallway stealing kisses, the more he finds himself wishing it was him instead.

So he does the only thing renjun told him not to. Confront mark.

It was bad. He expected mark to hate him for some reason he couldn’t come up with. But he never thought it would be because he was gay. “I wouldn’t want to associate with people who think the way you do, haechan. You turned into a person I never thought you would be.” He had said.

It left him speechless. He was broken. Shattered. Even his mom grew concerned as every night jaemin would come to comfort him when he had a crying fit. Nobody knows. Except for jaemin, renjun and his mother and mark. he was not that popular at that time so people didn’t really know who he was. But they all knew mark and mark had made him promise that nobody should know that they 'knew each other’ before. At that time haechan had been furious, stomped his foot, demanded what the hell does mark think of himself. but as mark said he doesn’t want to be his friend anymore, he had willed his tears to not fall in front of this new stranger. He didn’t know the mark standing in front of him anymore.

But his heart was not ready to let go of the mark who would smile at him with stars in his eyes. Even after all these years, he finds comfort and satisfaction in knowing mark finally acknowledges him as ‘someone’. Even in a bad way.

He shakes his head as he twirls the sun charm with his manicured fingers and puts it inside his pocket. He should not let his mind go down that path this often. It’s bad. Very bad. So bad that he would find himself in his mother’s arms crying the night away.

Soon after he touched up his makeup, his mother called from downstairs that his date is here. Well, maybe he was unsuccessful in moving on from mark in a week (he knew he would fail, he always does) but the good thing was he got to know lucas. He was a funny guy. Tall, handsome, good sense of humor, sexy, sultry, sometimes dumb but yeah. You get it. very close to his ideal type. He should get what he can before it’s too late. He ran down in his Chelsea boots.

He opened the front door and his knees nearly gave out. There stood lucas with his blond hair pushed back and in a jacket which definitely not faux leather, looking like the model that he is. He is so gorgeous haechan might jump him.

Lucas checked him out with his eyes wide and signature smirk and suddenly it was really hot in the room.

“you look so sexy.” Lucas whispered as he leaned down to give haechan a kiss on his cheeks.

“you don’t look so bad yourself.” He giggled. he can't wait to pull off this sweater.

Lucas was still staring at him when jaemin came up from behind. “hey lucas!! Looking good.”

Lucas smiled wide, “thanks. Do you need a ride?” jaemin glanced at haechan who threw daggers at him with his eyes.

Jaemin laughed, “no but thank you. Renjun is on his way. Do you think jeno is coming?”

“oh yeah. He must be on his way.” Lucas glanced at his watch, “he said he was going to pick up jisung.”

Even though jaemin hasn’t told him yet but he knows his brother has developed a liking for jeno in the past week when they started sitting together every day instead of just him jaemin and renjun. They are a cool bunch of people. Haechan doesn’t mind sitting with them but he was only doing it to get close to lucas. So now that the said person is standing in front of him to take him to the grand party of the year, he doesn’t see why he should keep associating with them. At least jaemin got something out of it too. Hm, he is going to tell jaemin that they should continue their usual routine. Besides who cares what chenle and jisung think anyway. They are always in their own world, never really participating in any conversation.

“Hey, let’s go.” Lucas turned to haechan, his fingers lightly brushing his waist.

“yeah.” He turned to jaemin, “see you, don’t forget to look for me once you get there!”

Jaemin waved them goodbye as they make their way to Lucas’s car. The taller opened the door for him and muttered a small thank you as he gracefully slid inside the sleek car. He was impressed. Lucas was impressive in so many ways. He may be dumb most of the time when he doesn’t catch on to haechan’s frequent flirting which ends up in hot make-out sessions, so he doesn’t mind. and the most important part, he is thinking about mark less when he is with him. Maybe jaemin was right to suggest to him to see other people. He can’t wait when a mere thought of mark doesn’t leave him into a ball of anxiety and grief. He wants himself free.

Lucas started the car as soon as he got in. haechan turned and watched him drive, keeping his mind occupied with something to prevent it spirally in the dark again.

“a picture would last longer if you ask me.” Lucas smirked and winked as he glanced at haechan.

“it’s not my fault you are so hot.” Haechan said without tearing his gaze away from him, using his sultry tone. He put his hand on lucas’s thigh, thumb brushing over the rough denim, he leaned closer as he could see the taller’s breath getting heavier.

Lucas’s grip tightened on the steering wheel, “haechan…” he glanced sideways, taking in the tanned male’s face.

“look straight lucas,” haechan ordered him softly, “we don’t want you ramming on a fire hydrant, do we?” he giggled as he leaned back, satisfied and lucas looked ahead.

He remembered jaemin telling him to look for the perfect opportunity for the stripping and he doesn’t know a more perfect moment than this. He knows he is capable of luring lucas to make out in anything or anywhere, but he really wants to show off his top because 1. It cost him his fortune 2. He could really use some boost point when lucas actually rams the car on the sidewalk as soon as his eyes fall on haechan. So he huffs a little ‘it’s so hot’ before proceeding to remove his sweater, making sure to do it gracefully. By the time he finishes, lucas has already pulled over.

He looks at lucas, “why did you-“ he couldn’t even finish his question before lucas has him in his lap in a blink, lips already on his neck. His gasp of surprise turns into a moan as he feels tongue sliding along the expanse of his neck till his ear shell. He shudders as he feels long fingers on his side, traveling down to his waist and stopping on his hip in a tight grip while lucas continues to nib on his jawline, “you are so beautiful.” Haechan sighed as muttered a ‘not so bad yourself ‘ before pulling the pair of full lips to his own. They continued with their hot fumbling for a few more minutes before haechan thought he had enough and he is going to be late for the party.

“we should go.” Pulling away from lucas and going back to his own seat, fixing his hair and shirt. lucas looked at him for a few seconds before turning to drive.

as soon as they reached johhny’s house, both of them headed to the front door hand in hand.

Johnny's house cannot be called an average house, it was a mansion of a whole four-story. He was mark’s cousin after all. Of course, he’d be rich. He heard he is currently dating a guy called ten. They were close enough to be called siblings but not as close Johnny is with mark. haechan doesn’t know if Johnny knows the feud between him and mark or not. But since he is still invited to his year-end party, he believes Johnny doesn’t have any clue about what goes on. He is relieved because he loves the attention he gets whenever johnny’s college friends offer him free drinks.

He remembers yuta from last year who offered to drive him home and attempted to kiss him when he was struggling to get off the seatbelt. He shivers as his mind suddenly remembers how the stoner had smelled of marijuana. Nope, he is not getting that kind of shit this year, he thinks as he looks up to lucas’s face. He is going to get laid tonight, finally.

They reach the front door which wide open. As he enters the hallway, his body is enveloped with a blanket of warmth. Lucas leads him toward the living room from where he assumes the distant bass of the music is coming from. They turn the corner as lucas grabs him by the waist and guides him through the throng of people in the living room. The living room was full of people, even the first floor where people were busy talking and drinking. They made their way towards the bar.

Johnny didn’t set up a dj corner last year but today he can see people dancing on the temporary dance floor. Huh, perks of being super-rich. He admits that he is thoroughly privileged (that’s what he likes to call himself), but he can never convince his mother to book a DJ for his birthday. He can see johnny’s black mop of hair as they get closer to the bar at the corner of the room.

“Johnny! I’m here!” he makes his way towards the said boy, who was nursing his whiskey beside a petite male.

“ah, the queen is here!” Johnny looks up from his drink. “and with a handsome date. Hi lucas!” lucas waves at him, “Hi, Johnny! How’s it going?”

“you know the same old. Oh-” Johnny takes a sip and turns to the man beside him, “this is chittaphon, my boyfriend.”

Before haechan could stop himself, his mouth ran on its own, “pfft, cheetah what?” he could feel lucas’s arm tense on his waist. He could feel, FEEL johnny’s smile fall as he glances his boyfriend’s way cautiously.

“you can call me ten,” the petit male said with a cold tone, “if my name is a bit mouthful for you. So.” Ten looks him up and down, clearly judging. “you are the haechan mark can’t stop talking about. Nice to meet you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know, i know. i just wanted to end it here because I have to save the juicy part for the next chapter. thank you so much for reading my shitty ff and if you find any grammatical error or any mistake in the way I'm writing, please know that my first language is not English and i'm just a fan writing down every story I make up daydreaming.  
> i'm a huge fan of nct so please give love to the boys. they inspire me better my writing skills lmao haha💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚


	3. They say my system is overloaded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the shit goes downhill in this chapter. Get ready for some action babies. But there wont be much markhyuck here. I plan to save the juicy stuff for later chapters.

“you are the haechan mark cant stop talking about. Nice to meet you.”

Haechan’s heart fluttered. Did mark really talk about him to his friends? He cannot think of a time when mark has acknowledge him in from of his friends. He may have a reputation for bugging mark but mark’s friends has always steered clear of his way, never stopping him from interacting mark. even on that unfortunate day when haechan asked mark out and was called a slut in the face. Mark talks about him? Surprising but not unbelievable.

“really?” he may have smiled a little. Damn keeping it cool doesn’t work when you are really excited.

Ten rolled his eyes, “do not excited, little boy. Not one good thing was said, trust me.” 

Johnny turned to his boyfriend, eyes wide with disbelieve. “ten, what are you…” before he could finish, ten cut him off, glaring at haechan, “why don’t you have a drink and take your boyfriend to dance. I am sure you are dying to dance the night away with your second best option.” He sipped slowly eyeing lucas with his cat eyes.

Haechan was so surprised listening ten rant, he couldn’t even form a word. He is sure his mouth is open like a gaping fish. He schooled his expression when he felt lucas’s hand tighten around his waist.

Once haechan was composed enough, “what do you mean, ten.” He scoffed, “you are horrible.” Then he turned to Johnny who was now turned to him with the same face of disbelief. “no offense Johnny, but your taste sucks.”  
Johnny sighed, rubbing his face, “please stop haechan. Not tonight.”  
He ignored the taller, “by the way, ten. I do not care what bad things mark said about me. Keep them to yourself.”

He then took lucas’s hand and turned towards the backyard. To say that he was upset was understatement. He thought he and ten could get along really well if mark hadn’t been a part of their conversation. Everything he does always involves him one way or the other. He turned to his week-old boyfriend.   
“why didn’t you say something there?”   
But lucas just rolled his eyes, “and what? Get insulted?”  
“what do you mean?” 

The taller scoffed and looked at haechan for a bit more, “you think I don’t know? That you are playing me?”  
“lucas, that is ridiculous-“  
“I knew that you were rejected by mark and I was your second choice when you suddenly decide to sit with us.”  
Haechan could only shake his head, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Lucas huffed in disbelieve, “haechan, drop the act. I thought you were genuine for a second when you stuck with me the whole week.”  
Haechan rolled his eyes, “what do you expect me to say? You should know I’m not looking for a longterm-“   
“I only got to know yesterday that you were planning to ditch me after this party. Like I get it. I knew you were not looking for something similar to what want but a week? That’s a real asshole move.”  
Haechan froze, “what? Who told you that?” he said eyes wide.  
“so it’s true?” lucas crossed his arms and looked at boy standing in front of him, “I’m not that dumb you know. And you are not that smart yourself since you are not aware that your so called brother has been hanging out with jisung and jeno. I know everything he tells them.”  
Haechan could only admit it since the secret is already out, “look, everyone knows I am not into anyone except mark. so i tried okay? To get to know you. But I realized-“  
“haechan stop with the excuses. Mark is a good person, and the way ten talked to you… I don’t think I should hangout with someone like you anymore. Ten is a wonderful person and to be on his bad side on the first encounter, I am really questioning your personality.”  
The boy could only stare at the taller in pure shock. Not only had it hit home, but he lost his speech when his own fucking boyfriend (now ex) had insulted him for not getting on someone’s good graces.

“are you kidding me? How dare you?” he gritted his teeth to stop himself from punching lucas.   
“see? You don’t even feel guilty about any of it.”  
“why should I feel guilty?dont act like you didn’t enjoy making out with me all week, bitch. It’s not like that ten was any better? Why don’t you go tell him?” then he stormed off inside the house. 

There is seriously a limit to how much one person can take in one day and he had had enough. He thought he was going to have sex with someone tonight but things are going the other way and he did not like it at all. Lucas is an asshole who acts all high and mighty when he is just being a prick to his date. Ex-fucking-date.

He went towards the first florr in search of jaemin. He needs someone to vent. And he vents on no one but renjun and jaemin. They should be here by now.  
His eyes wandered downstairs as he made his way upstairs. He caught sight of lucas speaking furiously with Jungwoo. Then He saw jungwoo patting his shoulder and proceeding to drag lucas towards somewhere. He rolled his eyes. Typical. He was about to reach the end of the stairs when someone bumped him.  
“I’m sorry.” The person said. This bitch…. What the hell is she doing here?  
“what the hell are you doing here, mina?” shouldn’t her goody two shoe ass be already in bed. “haven’t seen you in a while in a party..”  
Mina looked at him with here eyes wide. “i-…I was invited.”  
Haechan laughed, “by who? The nerd club? You know what have fun.” He watched as mina’s face soured before continuing his search for jaemin and renjun upstairs. he knew mina even before she was mark’s girlfriend and quite frankly he didn’t have any problem with her. in fact, he was quite fond of her. you know, the typical nerd girl who is in school choir and helping her friends with homework and such. 

She was that kind of girl who was too cool to be in science club but not enough to be in the cheer team. But after mark asked her out, she left the choir and joined the student council instead, and it irked haechan to no end that someone would leave something just to be close to someone. But honestly, he can relate. Who was he kidding, it is a once in lifetime opportunity to date the school president. He couldn’t help himself from being rude to her because of that.

the lounge on the first floor was pumping with heavy bass music, he could literally feel his whole body vibrating. He searched the dimly lit room where people were relaxing. The atmosphere was more calm here without the people bumping into each other. He scanned the room as he made his way across it and his eyes found jaemin and renjun in the balcony overlooking the garden. He froze. He could not believe his eyes. They were not alone.

Jeno was casually leaning on the railing with arms around jaemin’s waist but had his lips on renjun’s neck who was casually sipping on his drink. He knew they were kind of getting close over the past week and jeno and jaemin had known each other for some time now. But for jaemin to actually get renjun to get on board with crazy idea of his two boyfriend fantasies was quite impressive. He didn’t know renjun had it in him. The literal nerd was having the time of his life, he can see.

He sighed. There his brother getting two boyfriends wrapped around his fingers and he couldn’t even manage one without getting insulted on each break up. This sucks, he thought as he eyed jeno who was now stoking jaemin’s waist.

He made his way towards the trio, ready to break their bubble because their friend here is about to get into a mental breakdown.

“jaemin~~” he whined as he started pulling his brother’s arm.   
“what the hell, chanie.” Jaemin latched himself more into jeno and renjun the more haechan poulled him.  
“come on~~~~ I need to talk to you, please come with me.”

Renjun glared at haechan as he pulled jaemin towards him, “why cant you tell me too? Why do you need jaemin alone for that. am I not your friend.”  
Haechan stopped pulling, “I’m sorry renjun, but I need to talk to my brother for this time. Come on jaem.”  
He successfully pulled out jaemin form the tangled mess of three and lead him towards a secluded corner.  
“what?”   
“I broke up.”  
“WHAT?” jaemin gapped at haechan dumfounded, “how?”  
“we just did and-“  
“how does a break up just happened? I mean it was going good right?”  
Haechan sighed, “it was. I did as you told me to and I couldn’t help but give two fucks when lucas asked me to marry him.”  
Jaemin gasped, “no he did NOT!”  
“well, not literally but… you KNOW it was an experiment, right? I did not want to get into something serious and he was like you’re such a slut for-“  
Jaemin sighed, “okay, okay. Tell me everything from the beginning and I will be the jugde of who did what wrong-“  
“I did nothing jae-“  
“haechan, just fucking spill.”  
“alright. Fine.” He took a deep breathe before looking around. Finding no one in their proximity he began, “I was doing just as you told me to. It was all good before we ran into Johnny and his shitty boyfriend.”  
“ten? What the hell?”  
“yeah. And we kind of got into an argument and he fuckin told me to have fun with my second best option. I mean how dare he?”  
Jaemin flailed his arms, “wait wait wait! You got into an ARGUEMNT with ten? WHY?”

Haechan rolled his eyes, “I said something and he said something and then he mentioned mark and i got upset so…” he shrugged but narrowed his eyes as jaemin shook his head in disbelief, “what? Is he supposed to be god or something? Lucas acted like ten was some diety. Huh.”  
“yes.”  
“what do you mean. Don’t tell me you like that douchebag?”  
Jaemin sighed, “I’m surprised you don’t know who ten is. I thought you knew.”  
“no I don’t. and I don’t care.”  
“you’ll have to because he is twice as rich as Johnny and twice in power as us. Got it? he is like the son of our dad’s boss’s boss. He is the nicest person if you are good with him but as I can see, you’ll have to cross seven oceans or some shit before you can be in good terms with him.” Jaemin looked back at the crowd towards the hallway then turned to haechan with impatience written all over his face.  
“look. You want to tell me about lucas or not? why the hell did you even break up in the middle of the party, I thought you were finally getting rid of your v card.”   
“I was.” he scoffed. “but then lucas said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. That’s why I am here, partnerless.” He sighed. Hachan knew that no amount of venting would make him feel better today and he could already see his brother being impatient to get rid of him for tonight.  
“The worst thing is he is the one who walked away. Can you imagine?”  
“no I cannot.” Jaemin said expasperately while pinching his nose bridge. “look. I wanted you to like lucas genuinely and be with him for some goddamn time so that you can get over mark!”  
“but I did-“  
“no you did not!! Let me get this straight. You made lucas break up with you-“  
“what the he-“  
“let me finish.” That shut him up. Interrupting an already frustrated jaemin is never a good idea. “you made lucas break up with you, got into a fight with ten and by extension, with Johnny too. And now renjun is looking for us thinking what is the fucking matter that you cant tell him what you told me. Really haechan??”  
Jaemin scoffed as he saw him stand speechless because all of that were partially true, maybe not everything but some.  
“just go and blend in that you’ve already messed up. And come looking for me on second floor if emergency. Okay?”  
Haechan pouted. He got the hint that his brother wants to peacefully spend the night with with renjun and jeno. But he really doesn’t want to be alone right now. He doesn’t really know here anyone enough to spend the whole night chatting away or have a drink with.   
But he really wants to get wasted and hopefully not run into mark or Johnny because that would be a whole lot of damage.  
“whatever. But you’ll have to head home if I want to.”  
“jaemin sighed again as he caught sight of renjun squeezing throught the crowd and waved. “okay. But don’t get in trouble. you know mom will have our head?”  
“yeah I know.” He had already turned around and started walking away to see renjun catch up with jaemin. He headed downstairs and went towards the punch bowl. 

He didn't see mark yet but he has a feeling he'll meet him soon. The universe always has a funny way of making them meet in the most unlikely situations over the years and haechan likes to believe that its only because they had been soulmates before all the change. He doesn't want that anymore. He wants to be able to 'genuinely like someone'. And it's not possible until he gets mark out of his system.   
But it's too hard though. 

Lost in his thoughts he didnt see where he was going and slammed into someone, making both of them stumble back. 

"Hey, watch it" Haechan snarled. But his eyes went wide when he the person in front of him was none other than mark lee. Mark lee with his trophy girlfriend by his side. Holding hands like those romantic cliches. 

When mark noticed him and rolled his eyes it stung a bit but was soon replaced by the same envy he felt everytime he saw them together. Slimy green jealousy monster up his back.   
"Haechan, please move" Mark sighed as he saw the said person had no intention of giving them way. 

Haechan tsked, "well, isn't this our soon to be prom king?" He smirked as he saw Mina getting uncomfortable by each passing second. "And our beloved little vice president. I was a bit disappointed that i didn't catch you sooner."

The expression on Mark's face was saying it all, he was so fucking annoyed. "Please, move. I dont want to deal with you today. Leave us alone for once."  
"What do you mean? We ran into each other and you cant even hold a proper fucking conversation for once mark lee? Where has your etiquette gone?" He grinned as he saw mark getting red.   
He turned to mina, " Well what's so special that you stick to a douchebag like him?"

"You are the douchebag here." Mina whispered, obviously not aware that haechan heard her every word.   
"Excuse me?? " He was taken aback. Never once had she talked back and now she grew a pair because she had mark beside her? What a fake bitch!   
"She said you are the douchebag here in case you didnt hear it the first time." Mark huffed and pushed him aside. 

"Now move."

He was filled with an urge to do something, anything as he saw Mark's retreating back in the crowd. He wants to stomp his feet and throw a tantrum because the conversation didn't end with him having the last word. 

"You cant do that!"  
He saw mark stop even though the music was loud enough to drown his voice.   
"You cant just go on like that! Living like this!"  
He saw mark tense up as mina looked at him with confusion. Mark turned around and the look in his eyes were deadly. 

"Live like what?" His voice was not audible enough but haechan could he hear him oh so clearly. He knew his next words were going to steer up commotion even though it seems like no one is paying attention, but he is sure everyone was listening on in thier conversation, they always do. 

"Knowing that you like boys and not doing anything about it!"  
The silence that fell upon the house was unbearable. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so excited about resonance part 2.  
> Not yet over part 1 but ill try my best to prepare myself. Also we've been spoilt so much lately. So they inspired me to write this fix again. As you've noticed that i have updated this fic after 5 freaking months. Can you believe that?? 
> 
> Anyway please give lots of love to nct they deserve so much love and support! 💪fighting 💚💚💚💚


	4. I'm not too good at apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's written. Way before you were born, way before you saw the world. About who you'll meet, what you'll see and when you'll depart.   
> Only thing you can do is wait for your fate to show you the path where you can find your red string that binds you to something so beautiful. Believe. See. Admire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry. But there wont be much about markhyuck in this chapter and maybe in coming 3 to 4 chapters. I really wanted to portray the relationship between all characters before diving into the fullblown romance you were promised. (There will be, believe me. All that juicy stuff y'all seem to like 👁👄👁)   
> First i want to focus on haechan's character development and the past that seems to tangle up with the present and future. 🙏 hope you are in for it.

To say that mark was fuming, would be an understatement. Because if looks could kill he would be six feet down.   
__

_Mark is gay? What the hell?_   
_Our president is straight as a ruler, no fucking way is he gay!_   
_Fuck that’s low. Even for haechan._   


Haechan could hear all of it. The murmur of disbelief and shock. Cold sweats trickled down his back as he saw mark slowly approach him, mina closely following because of course, that’s what girlfriends do.   


“what did you just say?” mark practically growled, face getting closer with each step. “repeat it. I dare you.”  


Haechan could feel everyone hold their breath and he realised he was too. This moment must be a nightmare because no way he put himself in this situation.This is a now or never moment. To spill every bit of it until there’s nothing left. To make everyone know that this ‘him' was created none other than mark lee himself. 

“I- I said,” he gulped as he saw mark narrow his eyes, patiently waiting for the other to complete his sentence.   
“I said don’t you think your act of being straight is going on for too long? You fucking coward!”  


He knew he regretted each and every word as soon as he opened his mouth. He immediately felt guilty but it is too late to go back now. He knew he’ll have to endure the aftermath of it. The thing is at this moment, after everything he have been through to get close to mark, to be his friend and more, he couldn’t give two fucks about Mark’s reputation.   


He crossed his arms when he saw mark stood still, as if daring him to say more. The people around them were attentively watching then, anticipating marks and haechan's next words.   
“What? Speechless? Do you think I can’t do this? That I can’t tell everyone that you stopped being my friend because you are a homophobe?”  


The gasps of disbelief was too cliché to be real but they were. He knew he got everyone’s attention and he’s pretty sure that johnny is on his way to save Mark’s ass from further damage. Not this time.   


He smirked as he saw mark shaking in anger. “you don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
“oh I don’t?” He let out a laugh, as dramatic as it sounds he pointed his finger to mina.

“you think I don’t know that this bitch is only here because you want everyone to know that how you didn’t turn out to be like me? Huh?” as the sentence finished he realised he was getting worked up as the pent up frustration was resurfacing. Every fibre of his body was screaming for him to flee the scene but the stubborn part of him wants to ruin everything further, irreparably.   


“what the fuck are you saying??” Mark’s voice echoed as the music suddenly stopped. Mina beside him flinched as she warily eyes her boyfriend. “if don’t want to make a fool out of yourself, then you better stop spitting nonsense.”   


“He’s right.”   
Haechan squinted at johnny who magically appeared behind him, “johnny. Please don’t come between us. Your boyfriend already did enough damage tonight, please, not you too.”  
Johnny shook his head, pure disappointment etched on his face, “you always get in trouble because of that mouth of yours, but not today.” He took haechan’s arm and began to drag him to the door.   


“Where the fuck are you taking me?” haechan tried escaping Johnny’shold but eventually failed.   
“Fuck you! Johnny let go right fucking now! JAEMIN HELP ME HERE!!” he knew he was going to be the hot topic tomorrow at school but he doubts he’ll attend to hear all the humiliating gossips. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow and he failed at pitting everyone against mark. That damn jerk is the epitome of straight, so he’s sure no one believed him when he said mark was gay. What a waste.   


“where are you taking him?” jaemin appeared in the balcony in the front. Peaking where johnny stopped in the lawn.   
“I need you to take your brother home jaemin. Come down here now!” johnny said back and seconds later renjun and jaemin were by his side, out of breathe. He kind of felt guilty dragging his friends with him to this mess but the humiliation and regret was more to care about that.   


“what the fuck did you do this time?” jaemin whinned.   
“Why is always-“   
“he fought with mark, “ johnny cut him off, “he called him fuckin gay when he has a whole ass girlfriend with him for three fuckin years.”  
“stop swea-“  
“shut up haechan. You know you say the most random stuff and mark always tells me that he’s done with your annoying ass. So leave him alone, please.” 

Johnny ran his hands over his face, as if tired. “And one more request, don’t bother coming to any of my party anymore because seriously I can’t deal with this kinda shit anymore. Or I’ll have to call your mom. Jaemin take him home.” With that he headed inside and the music started again.   


On the other hand, haechan was dumbstruck by the words johnny just said. He was beyond shocked that he had been banned from anymore of Johnny’s party and the weight of his actions weighing on him slowly as seconds ticked by. He couldn’t believe this night was real. _Is it real? No way…_  


“haechan… really?”  
“what? “ he snapped at renjun. “now you don’t start too cause I’ve had enough.”  


Renjun and jaemin exchanged a look haechan couldn’t recognise.   
“You know that mark is completely straight since his birth and he had no romantic feelings for you?”  


Tears welled up in his eyes, wondering why he is so unlucky that he had to fall for a guy like mark, a gorgeous straight asshole. Wondering what is so special about mina that he lacked, that makes him less beautiful to be appreciated by mark. Was he not even worth praising. Was he that awful?   
“you don’t have to rub it on my face!” his voice broke as he spoke.   


Renjun rolled his eyes, “he is not. He’s stating facts here. Because you seriously need get your shit together. What the fuck is wrong with you? You were not even drunk!”  


“I just wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me! I’m so fucking tired of his face and his girlfriend. Everytime I see them, I just cant-“ now he was full on crying his eyes out in the sidewalk, the night breeze was cool and he shivered and vaguely remembered that his sweater was in Lucas’s car. He cried even harder when he realised that he proved everything Lucas said about him. He was so messed up.   
“

’s okay.” Jaemin was rubbing his back, murmuring soft words. Upon noticing that he was shivering in his utterly revealing clothes, jaemin took off his jacket and wrapped his brother in it. “chanie, let’s go home.”  


“I don’t want to,” he sniffed, looking towards the house where everyone was having their good times. He could imagine mark and mina dancing together, in the low lights. He could imagine ten making fun of him. He could imagine his school mates taking about him, how he made a fool out of himself. “let’s go somewhere else.”  


Renjun furiously tapped his phone, “how about this? We head to the local diner near my house and we talk about what happened in detail. After that we head home and never tell your parents that we got kicked out.”  


Haechan was grateful that his brother and renjun were here with him. First it was lucas who ruined his mood, he rationalized, after that he ran into mina causing him to be angry, then he saw his brother being lovey dovey with his TWO boyfriends making him realise that its only him that’s lonely. Maybe tonight was never meant to be fun since the beginning when his mother yelled at him. He is so unlucky. Why tonight?  


“that’s a good idea, jun. Maybe all you need is some quiet place and ice-cream. Let’s go.”  
He nodded as the second wave of tears hit him. His brother’s touch making him more emotional but the look of pity and hopelessness was more painful. He bets renjun is judging him hard, because he had been telling him off about the whole Mark’s ordeal since forever. 

“let’s go to the other side of the road, our uber is on its way.” Renjun stated.   
The three made their way towards the opposite curb.   
But Haechan spaces out.   


The look of anger and disgust on Mark’s face never seizes to shock him. He thinks he should get used to it by now. Mark spent almost four years on hating haechan, and he spent equal amount of time chasing mark, if not more. From the beginning the older had made it clear that he is not even slightest bit interested in haechan even as a friend, let alone as anything more.   
But he remembers tiny moments when mark used to care back when they were twelve or Thirteen. The touches of worry and small gestures as holding hands. They are the only memories of mark he treasures, the looks which were kept aside only for him. The looks so contrasting to the ones he receives now. The looks so warm like a blanket in the cold, like fluffy clouds in the sky, like a cackling camp fire. The looks when he would say something silly, when mark holds his hand on the way to the park. The look when he said he believes in haechan and when mark put the necklace on the younger, saying that he shines.   
He reaches into his pocket to feel the necklace. But he couldn’t find it. So he reaches into the other pocket.   
_Fuck_.   


“my- my necklace is missing..” his voice wavers as he frantically searches for it. “fuck where is it… damn it…”  


“haechan it’s just a necklace.” Renjun reasons.   
“it’s not just a necklace. Fuck.” His tears begin to flow again. He can’t lose it. He can’t. He has no idea what he’d do if he can’t find it. He’ll break. More than he already has.   


“it’s important. It has-“ he swallows the know in his throat but chokes “it has a charm- sun charm on it..” he looks around but its useless since he cant see with his eyes blurred by tears. Renjun and jaemin begins to search for it too.   


“I’m sure Johnny would keep it for us if we tell him to. If it is somewhere inside the house.” Renjun, ever the rational mind, reasoned. But reasons wont work for haechan right now.   


“you don’t get it! I need it!” he yelled back.   
“okay. Okay. Calm down” jaemin wiped his brothers tear stained cheeks. “if we look around for a bit, I’m sure we’ll find it.”   


“I don’t know.. “ haechan hiccupped as he looked over to renjun who was on his phone, explaining to jeno that he’ll have to leave.   
“look! I think it’s there! I’ll get it.” Jaemin pointed at a shining object lying close to the other side of the road before quickly running towards it. Haechan sighed in relief. That was close.   


Jaemin picked up the piece of jewellery and walked towards them. Smiling widely, “don’t worry it was-“  


“JAEMIN WATCH OUT!!”  
Renjun yelled and he could feel himself screaming too. He watched in slow motion as the speeding van hit jaemin's body. The screeching of the van's tires shaking his body.   
__

_No._ _  
_

_No. Please._   
__

_Jaemin wake up._  
Haechan stood frozen in his spot renjun ran to jaemin who was lying limp in the middle of the road. He covered his mouth with shaking hands as he saw blood pool around his head. Renjun yelling for help while trying to lift his boyfriend's body. His heart went cold as he noticed the firm grip jaemin had on the necklace even when he was being carried by jeno. Finally he noticed all other people that gathered around.   


_This cant be real._  
 _This is all because of him. This is all his fault._   


The last thing he remembers is the siren of ambulance before blacking out.   


×××  


“dad. Are you sure about that?”   
“sure about what?” Haechan's father asked, distracted by the traffic.   


Six years old haechan pressed his nose on the car window as he watched Scarecrows in the golden corn field. “about me getting a brother. I never asked for one.” He blew air in the window, fogging it before making a small heart, “its not late to back out, you know.” He turned to his father who guffawed at his witty child. 

The afternoon sun beamed through the window, making the child’s hair seem like woven gold and brown eyes sparkling like warm honey.   
__

_He’ll grow up so beautiful. Inside and out._   


His father thought before smiling at the little muffin, “you always play alone. Maybe you’ll like a playmate when I’m not home?”  


“mom can always play with me. I don’t want to share my toys.” He crossed his arms. If he gets a brother he realizes he’d have to share his mom and dad too and his 6 year old mind cannot process that. “I don’t want to share you and mom too.”  


His mother in the backseat smiled looking at his stubborn frown. “you won’t . We’ll love you both equally. Don’t you want a brother who’ll be there for you no matter what?”  


Haechan pouts, “why would I want that? You and dad are there for me. You told me that.”  


“you’ll understand everything when you grow up one day. But for now, his name is jaemin and we’d like it very much if you’re nice to him when we get there.”  
“where is he now?”  


×××  


The two boys sat on the deck, feet dangling but not long enough to reach the water. Their parents having conversation over tea in the garden near the pond. The sun beautifully peaking through the pine trees, colouring the sky a pretty hue of pink.   
“… and I was about to chase him but their dog barked at me. And I got super scared that I screamed.” Haechan giggled watching his new brother double over in laughter.   
“next time we should chase him together. That way the dog wont scare you! Deal?” jaemin beamed.   


“deal.” Haechan grinned back, “when school starts we’ll ask mom to get us matching bag so that everyone knows we are brothers.”  


“okay. But you’ll have to sit with me. I don’t know anyone.”  


“Of course you don’t know anyone. You’ve never been to a real school, silly.” Haechan tapped his chin in deep thought. “I’ll convince our teacher to make us sit together. That way you’ll never be lonely.”  


“promise?”  


“promise.”  


Their parents beamed at the sight of their two sons getting along so well, laughing and talking. 

Lost in their own little bubble.   


_I’ll be there for you. No matter what_.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading till the end. I'd like to have honest review about this fiction. What you'd like to read and the ships. I'm really a sucker for small backstories about each character, so you'll be getting a lot of flashbacks and the stories about each one of them on the way. Even though it'll kind of sidetrack from the main story, I'll consider your requests and include small snipets you'd like to read about. 
> 
> And lastly give LOTS OF LOVE TO 90s LOVE AND WORK IT. 💚💚💚 they are working so hard, im a proud mom 🤧😭


	5. Wish someone appreciated my bad behavior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ✨holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intention of throwing it to someone else, you are the one who gets burnt.✨

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here i am again with another comparatively shorter chapter. Enjoy!

The weather was, to say the least, not on his side. He ducked another splash of rain water as a speeding car wheezes by without any consideration. He tsked. A small stain of mud water appeared on his worn out white t-shirt. The wait was getting tiring as his driver was late by a solid fifteen minutes.

_Where is he?_

He watched some students run towards the stores, seeking shelter from the horrible storm because the rain was getting heavier and the clouds loomed more darker than before. He checked his watch. _So late._

“mark! You’re still here?!”

Mark turned to find lucas on his car, his window rolled down. He looked like he just came out of the parking lot.

“The driver is late.”

“hop in then. Or do you wanna wait?”

Mark and lucas luckily got into the same university because mark had been worried that he’ll be the sore thumb among the crowd. He’s always been. But it looks like nobody gives shit about anything in college. But he’s glad that he has some sort of familiarity. Even though they are definitely not in the same major, they practically spend almost all their free time together with their mutual friends. And to top that, ten is doing his post graduate in the same Institute. So, now and then they have get-togethers at their places.

“So,” lucas started as they made their way through the rain. “how are you coping? Tomorrow is the last day of finals.”

Mark signed, “I’m good. Keeping aside the occasional calls from dad, everything is going pretty well.”

“so he still stands his ground. I don’t think he’ll back off until you change your major.”

“yeah. Its too late for that. Besides I’m stubborn too, so I’m not backing off either.”

Mark looks out of his window. The stores were lit warmly while the weather raged on outside, wet sidewalks reflecting the luxury items. He cant wait to reach home and sleep. Long hours of studying and living off on coffee is finally taking a toll on him.

“dude, what’s bad about business that you prefer _biology_ over it. I hate that subject.”

“its not like I hate it. But don’t want to do it. I’ve always wanted to be in the medical field. You know that already.”

“whatever.”

_Yeah, whatever. That’s what father said too._

“look, hendery is going to throw a party next week to celebrate end of the finals. Are you in?”

“maybe.”

Mark looks out again. It’s the end of his second year but its already tiring to think about the coming future. He hopes he’ll be less busy in his third year but who is he kidding. He’ll probably be buried in the piles of textbooks just like the last couple of years.

Lucas went on with his little rant about how his basketball team has been doing not so great and being the captain is making him lose his mind. Mark paid half his attention because he’s heard it hundred times and continued counting the stores. His gym trainer has been telling him to do stretches between his study session even though he barely has any time to take rests. But he knows he’ll have to follow the instructions in order to squeeze in more time to study and less for sleep. Maybe he just needs more coffee.

He was still counting the stores, when a blue sweater and a brown mope of hair caught his eyes. _Is that…_

“stop, stop the car!”

Lucas looked genuinely confused, “what why? Did you forget-“

“no. I didn’t. Just stop the car… I- I need to pick something up.” He didn’t know why he was lying to lucas and why is he even asking to stop the car. But he feels like he _needs_ to go see for himself. “.. From that convenience store.”

That made lucas raise his eyebrows, “okay I’ll go with you." but he eventually stopped the car. The rain reduced to a slight drizzle.

“No! You just go ahead and go home. I’ll take the bus or whatever.”

“you’ll… take the bus?” lucas asked, unsure of what to make of that statement. Mark rolled his eyes. Why is it so unbelievable that he can’t do those things just because he never did them. He was seriously getting tired of people treating him like some sort of untouchable douche with distaste for middle class things.

“just go home okay. And thanks for the ride.” With that he got out of the car and ran towards the store in hurry. He just needs to confirm that it’s really him. After that he’ll go home and that’s it. Yeah. That’s it.

“Come by next week to hendery's!”

Mark didn’t look back. He is obviously not going.

The automatic door whooshed open and he grabbed his backpack tight as he looked around. It was warm inside. The kind of warm that makes you stop shivering but the rain water in his shoes was enough to make him grimace. _Gross._

After wandering a couple of he aisle of instant food, he finally spotted him in the section of toiletries.

Pastel blue knitted sweater, flared jeans and brown hair. The last time he saw him he was blond with rainbow highlights. His hair a little damp from the rain and his pair of converse brown. Mark shook his head. why is he looking for so much detail, he needs to go. But…

_Almost three years…_

Before he could look the other way or leave, haechan turned and the sudden eye contact with warm honey eyes made him nostalgic and everything became golden.

_“what the hell are you doing here?” mark snarled. The sight of the person in front of him making him want to shut the door on his face, but he held back. He doesn’t want to cause any scene right on the front door, so he immediately headed towards the garden. The serene rustling of rose bushes and smell of jasmine contrasting to the atmosphere haechan seems to carry._

_“what the hell am I doing here?” haechan followed mark furiously. “I’m here to give you a fucking piece of my mind! You jerk!”_

_Mark stopped and closed his eyes. He already had enough from his father about college applications, chewing his ears off for about an hour resulting him in skipping dinner and now this. Haechan comes to chew his other ear off for god knows what. “what now? Shouldn’t you be at hospital or something? Because I clearly remember your brother being floored by a car.”_

_This is horrible. He’s become a horrible person, and thanks to none other than his father and most importantly haechan. But before he could properly reflect, he was knocked to the ground. Haechan above him holding his collar._

_“how dare you! You asshole! He’s in the hospital because of you! He’s there struggling to breathe and thanks to who?” haechan laughed but nothing was funny. He released the older and got up, “you, mark.”_

_Nothing was right._

_The look in his eyes haunted. Anger, conflict and sadness, a jumbled storm of emotion passing through his face but eventually stopped in grief. “what did I do to deserve this mark? Tell me?” haechan said, voice not louder than a whisper but enough to be heard in the quiet of the night._

_But mark, as always stood his ground of reasoning, “how is all this my fault. Shouldn’t it be yours? Weren’t you with him then?”_

_Haechan wiped his eyes but still the tears flowed. Mark didn’t see any point in why he was wiping his tears. He felt a little guilty for yelling. This doesn’t seem to be the time to yell at a person who needs condolence but haechan is making it hard for him._

_“I was! I was there with him. I saw him getting hit. But i-“ He sobbed, struggling to speak. “I wish it was me instead. I really wish it was me. Or you! If it hadn’t been about you, maybe everything would’ve turned out differently.”_

_Now mark was genuinely confused. He had nothing to do with the accident, nor he was at the scene. He was inside the house with mina when he heard the ambulance. And he didn’t even know jaemin that well. All mark knew was that he is haechan's brother and he hated mark from the core of his entire being. And why, he gets it._

_He signed. Maybe haechan is spewing nonsense because he is hurting. From both aspects that his brother is injured and he got rejected by lucas too. But he couldn’t bring himself to care. Not even when his doe eyes sparkled in the low lights of the garden and pearl like tears looking somewhat pretty._

_“I don’t get it. Why am I getting the blame for all of this? I didn’t even speak to jaemin, I was-“_

_Haechan took his hand and slammed something on it. “this.”_

_Mark’s mind short-circuited as he realised what it was._

_The charm was worn out. Few scratches and the metal coating was coming off in some places. But what remained untouched was his name, mark lee, as if someone had retraced it again and again._

_No, he doesn’t understand._

_“but I gave you-“_

_“yes. You gave me this so that I can be lucky wherever I take this. But who thought you’d jinx my whole life with it. Tell me, have you ever wished good when you bought me this? Because I clearly remember you asking me to wear this all the time! Huh? Tell me??!!”_

_On the other hand mark stood frozen. Unable to say anything because he hadn’t expected haechan to pull out something that reminded him of the time he kept locked in his mind. It reminded him of the daisies he used to step on at haechan’s backyard, of the time when he used to hold hands with haechan and jump into the pool or when he used to tuck red hibiscus in haechan’s hair. He just stared at it like it wasn’t real. It cant be. Because this person in front of him was not his best friend from then. Then why does it feel like he’s lying to himself._

_Haechan scoffed, taking mark’s silence as the answer, “I thought so.” He whispered to which mark looks up. “tell me one thing, mark.” His voice broke and mark could see him struggling to speak._

_“do you even remember what you said when you gave me this?”_

_No. no he doesn’t and mark doesn’t forget anything. So he just stares at the antique piece on his hand as if waiting it would give the answers to the younger’s questions. Its dull golden resembling their relation when haechan speaks again._

_“you don’t remember, do you?” he looks so pained. The shadow casting on his face matching with the darkness in his eyes where tears of grief gathered once again. “you told me it would bring me luck. It would make me shine because I make others shine too. You told me I shine, mark.” He sobbed as he pushed mark. “jaemin was holding it when everything happened. I was scared because I thought I lost this necklace and jaemin found it and guess what? He ended up in hospital. It was with me when lucas broke up with me. I wore it the day you told me to fuck off.” He looked down at marks hand which held the charm._

_“it looks like it directed all your bad luck to me because you look like you’re doing just fine. Too fine. Aside from the bugging from me, right?”_

_“haechan, its-“_

_“bullshit. I know.” He doesn’t know what he meant to say but bullshit was not it. Mark doesn’t know what to do. Because he is unsure of what to make of haechan’s word. Everything is making him see things from haechan’s perspective and it feels like he has been unfair to him. He needs to say something to defend himself but he stays mum. What good it would even do to make everything better for haechan. Does he even want to?_

_“but I fought with renjun defending you. YOU!!” haechan then covered his eyes as he silently sobbed. He looked so small, standing in the damp grass in the garden and mark never felt this helpless. He approached the younger but was shoved aside when he put his hand on haechan’s shoulder._

_“no!” haechan looked him in the eye making him shiver. “I could’ve thrown it away but as stupid as it sounds I want to return your bad luck. Might as well be a closure for me because I still thought something of my friend is left in this new stranger. Obviously I was wrong. I made such a big mistake of holding on to you, its done more damage than good. And it took me jaemin's life being at risk to realize that how I’ve been chasing after someone who doesn’t even want me to exist when the people that really care were right beside me.”_

_Wasn’t this what he wanted? For haechan to understand that he needs to be left alone. To peacefully be able to go to school and not have to think about dealing with his former friend again. To stop his father from nagging him to stop hanging around people who do such immoral things._

_This doesn’t feel right. Like in the back of his mind, he knows he’s in the wrong. That somehow every mistake haechan made traces back to him. The more haechan says, the more everything seems true and he stands there helpless, thinking how should he convince himself now that the seed of doubt has been planted._

_“I hate you so much, mark. So much more than I ever did.”_

Mark was pulled back to the present as haechan broke the eye contact, quickly putting the items he grabbed back into the shelf and walking out of the store like he just saw the demon himself. Last time he walked away was when he told mark how much he hates him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this chapter contains mostly markhyuck unlike what i said last week. But i thought I'd put in a markhyuck plot just to give you an idea about mark's thought process? I don't know tho. I changed it, so the initial line up of events has also been changed slightly so the double update i was thinking of is obviously not possible. But i think I'll update weekly now. My college move in is in a month and half and I'm so excited.
> 
> Also ive been binge watching some series so it occupies most of my time. Thank god I'm two chapters ahead. You'll be given updates nicely. 🥰
> 
> Also did you watch the resonance mv teasers?? I dead 💀 i cant handle neocity anymore because they are killing me with just a teaser.  
> GIVE LOTS OF LOVE TO OUR BOYSSSS💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
> 
> Okay Bye


	6. caught in flux, drifted till you hit the sides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “When from our better selves we have too long  
> Been parted by the hurrying world, and droop,  
> Sick of its business, of its pleasures tired,  
> How gracious, how benign, is Solitude”  
> ― William Wordsworth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> early update! enjoy!
> 
> but this is not a flashback or anything but an event that happened 3 years ago when jaemin was hospitalized. the flashbacks will be written in italics but the ones like in this chapter are just things happened in the past or future or whatever because I'm going to jump to and fro in the timeline.

_3 years ago_

There was a knock on his door, pulling haechan from his stupor. He turned from his window to find his mom on the doorway. The circles around her eyes and her disheveled way of dressing clearly show how much pressure she has been putting on herself. The nights she had spent on the hospital couch is showing in the way she winces when she bends or makes lunch for haechan and his father.

“Will you go today?”

he hasn’t visited jaemin since the day he was admitted in the hospital and to be honest he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to face his brother even though he hasn’t woken up yet. Jaemin is on drug induced coma to prevent him from feeling any pain and swelling in his brain. Haechan swallows as he remembers the night when he went downstairs to his mother, only to find her silently crying, his father hugging her whispering that her son would make it. That he is strong enough to fight death to come back to his loved ones. That jaemin is such a lovely soul that even god would think twice before taking him away from us.

“No, mom. Not today.” He turned back to window watching his mother’s hibiscus getting wet in the rain. The weather has been rainy since that unfaithful day and he feels awfully gloomy. Inside and out.

He hears his mother close the door behind her as she approaches him and sits beside him on the couch near the window. Both looking out of the window towards the garden for some time. The serene atmosphere giving them enough time to collect their thoughts.

“how are you holding up, mom?” he asked his mom the question he has been meaning to ask for a while now.

“me?” his mom turns to him smiling weakly, “I’m doing okay.” It seems like a veil but he can see through her. The way her eyes get glassy, perhaps her mind drifting to jaemin lying unconscious in hospital. But somehow it has become a default answer. And it breaks his heart to see his mother like this, his father like this.

“are you sure?” he asks as he looks into her eyes. Just like his.

“yeah. And you? You can talk to me you know?”

“I know.”

“then talk to me.”

He takes a deep breath as he looks down to his hands. And suddenly it becomes too much to look at his mother as tears fall from his eyes. “Will he ever wake up mom?” he whispers, too afraid to voice out his fears.

“of course he will.” His mother reassures, pulling him into her arms as they hug tight, “he is a strong boy. Just like you.”

Haechan hides his face into his mother’s neck sniffing as he shakes his head. His tears soaking into his mother’s blouse. “I’m not. I’m really not mom.” He chokes out, “it’s all my fault. Everything. I shouldn’t have let him go mom. One moment he was there smiling and the next-“

“shh.. It’s okay. It’s okay.” His mother soothed his hair, whispering that it was not his fault, that it was nobody’s fault. That he was just there and he couldn’t have done anything. He sobbed in his mother’s arm as he let out all his pent up guilt and grieve.

After coming from mark’s home yesterday, he had laid on bed. Thinking everything from the beginning, only to come to a conclusion that he was the only one who had been in the wrong. That it was stupid to put all the blame on mark for sheer dumb luck. he had laid in bed reflecting all the things he had said to renjun when he was the only one there to support him and his brother, only for haechan to yell at him to leave him and his brother alone for a moment, followed by their conversation escalating to a heated argument involving many cursed words and tears. Renjun had said something about being neglected by him which haechan dismissed as his mind was completely occupied by the thoughts of his brother being taken to OT.

He had said some things he would very much like to take back but renjun was not picking up his calls. This morning he had called again in hopes that renjun had cooled down enough to talk to him. But soon he found out that he has been blocked. Jeno was also not picking up his calls. He had no one to call but Johnny. But ten had picked up his call instead and he had no choice but to hang up. No one came to his mind after that. Because there was really no one he could call without being spit on. He doesn’t know anyone well from his class too.

He realised suddenly that he was so alone. So so alone.

He ended up at renjun’s front door. He wanted to make everything with renjun right before visiting his brother but soon his optimism diminished when renjun’s mother opened the door and told him that renjun was at jeno’s when he can clearly see jeno’s car in the driveway. Haechan’s heart sank as he realised renjun was at home but didn’t want haechan to know. And he couldn’t understand why someone would to that to him. Why can’t renjun come to him and say that he doesn’t want to be friends anymore right to his face and everything at once? He bid goodbye to Mrs. Huang before heading home with a heavy heart. At that moment he couldn’t think of any way to make this work. This whole thing called life when his other half is struggling with his. His only support and source of joy. He doesn’t know how to face his brother after everything anymore.

His sobs reduced to tiny hiccups when his mother pulled away and wiped his tearstained cheeks, “how about you go with me today, hm? Maybe talking to your brother will make you feel better?”

“I don’t- I don’t know how to face him.” He would be lying if he says he doesn’t miss his brother’s face. But he is scared that visiting his brother would make him realize that how much of a problem he has been in everyone’s life. That he hasn’t accomplished anything but hate from everyone. Maybe jaemin hates him too. Maybe after opening his eyes his first words would be how much he loathes his brother. He doesn’t know anymore.

His mother signed, “Look at me, honey.” he does. “do you really think that jaemin would hate you for something so trivial as being present when the accident happen?”

“I don’t know...”

“no. he wont.” His mother smiled and tucked a blonde hair behind his ear, “but he’ll be hurt if he realizes that his favorite person didn’t come to visit him when he was at his lowest, right? It’s been five days. Let’s go see your brother and you can talk to him, okay? The doctor says that talking to a person in coma helps their recovery. Maybe it’ll help both of you. ”

Tears welled up again when he realized that he did it again. He thought of himself first about how he could hide from his guilt and fears, thought of mending his own relations before his brother’s. Thought of how not to hurt himself when he should be thinking of reducing his brother’s suffering. He is so selfish. Selfish and self-centered like it is etched in his brain for automated response to everything and he couldn’t help but hate himself more at this moment. When his mother literally has to ask him to come visit his brother. When he should be at his side from day one. How selfish. So selfish. He’ll have to start from the beginning. And that is to apologize to jaemin for what he had become without even realizing himself. 

He nodded, “okay.” Determined to be a person everyone wants him to. 

…

The smell of disinfectant reminded him of the days his mother used to drag him to the pediatrician for monthly check ups when he was a kid. The white walls, the fluorescent lights and the lined up chairs for visitors are already giving him chills as he takes more steps towards jaemin’s room. He watches his mother’s brown coat sway, her heels making way too much noise in the quiet hallway when his mother comes to a stop in front of the room and he clutches his sweater tight as he is suddenly nervous about the whole thing. Will jaemin be happy if he wakes up and sees haechan? Is he even going to wake up? What if he doesn’t? He was brought back to reality from his ominous thoughts when his mother shook him, “haechan?”

“yeah?”

“you go ahead inside. I’ll go and meet the doctor if he is in. okay?”

“yeah. Okay. Come soon.” He chewed his lips as he watched his mother walk away. He took a deep breath before entering the room. Here goes nothing.

The door didn’t make any make any sound. The only sound in the room was the beeping of ECG machine and the hum of the air conditioner. He cautiously made his way towards the bed where jaemin laid. He looked at him then. Really looked at him. He had a bandage wrapped around his head and he had a few faded scratches on his cheeks, probably from the asphalt. He gulped as he took in the sight of the broken arm with a cast. Jaemin had broken his left arm and hip bone and his brain injury knocking him into unconsciousness. His heart broke when he sat down on the chair beside the bed to look properly. The lack of expression on his brother’s face making him uneasy as the seconds ticked by because he was not used to looking at jaemin without any smile on his face.

He took jaemin’s right hand in his cautiously. It was cold, so unlike him.

“jaemin.” He gulped as he waited for any kind of response, even though he knew he won’t get any. But a tiny part of him told him to talk. Because the silence was getting heavier and unbearable. Tears were there again as he slightly squeezed jaemin’s hand.

“I’m- I’m sorry.” He swallowed the invisible lump in his throat but still struggled to speak.

“I’m sorry for being so selfish. I was only thinking about myself when I wanted to get out of the party because I wanted to run away from everyone. I shouldn’t have dragged you with me when you were clearly enjoying your time and I’m…” he paused as a sob escaped from his mouth, “I’m sorry for ruining your night. I’m sorry for… for ruining your life. Mom says it was nobody’s fault. But I know jaemin.”

“it was mine.” He added.

He opened jaemin’s palm and caressed it with his own. What he wouldn’t give right now for jaemin to smile at him and intertwine their fingers. He sighed as he couldn’t stop himself for crying. This is so pathetic. He is so pathetic. Jaemin is not even listening to any of his words but yet here he is, rambling off as if his brother would suddenly wake up and hug him. But he wants to keep talking. He wants to take out all of his thoughts that he had kept locked inside from his childhood. The very start.

“Remember when I first met you? You were so bright that I had no reason to deny you as my brother. But I was cautious to let you in because I was unsure how I’d deal with sharing everything to a complete stranger. Now that I think of it, I was selfish from the beginning. I can’t believe I refused to share my room with you, made you think that I didn’t like you and we were only seven. You’ve always been so nice to me even when I shut you out.”

“I don’t know how to put my feelings into words. But I feel guilty.” Once again silence fell upon the room.

He looked at jaemin’s pale face. Sleeping, breathing slow and steady. As if deep inside a pleasant dream. “I envied you for so many things. And it makes me feel horrible and guilty that those thoughts even crossed my mind. I wanted to be like you, to be able to shine as bright as you. You are beautiful and pretty and I envied you for that. You had so many trusted friends who genuinely liked for who you are and I envied you for that too. I wanted what you had with jeno and renjun. I wanted to have as much attention from mom and dad as you. I envied you for simply existing. I still do and that fact makes me hate myself even more. Because you are a wonderful person. From inside and out. I couldn’t even face my fears on my own. I couldn’t even maintain a simple friendship with renjun because it looks like I dismissed his every concern towards you. Thinking they were unimportant compared to mine? I am a horrible person jaemin. I hate myself so much.” He sniffled, “I guess you’ll hate me too when you wake up.” He whispered.

He closed his eyes when a teardrop fell on jaemin’s palm, “you have every reason to hate though. Mark has his reasons, renjun has his and now you have one too. I won’t blame anyone for it because now I understand. I refused to go to school and I don’t feel too proud of that but it gave me time to think. Jaemin, I think I’ve been a very bad brother, a very bad son and very very bad friend. Anyone who wanted to be my friend, I’ve driven each one of them away. Come to think of it. No one except you and renjun had been able to put up with me. And now I don’t even have that. Renjun hates me now. I don’t blame him. I hate myself too.”

“I just-“ he eyed jaemin, looking for any kind of response. “I just want you to wake up so that I can properly apologize. Please jaemin, don’t make me feel this way. I hate all of this. I hate it because I’m so alone. I feel so lonely. I feel so so lonely.” He sobbed, clutching jaemin’s hand when he found no response from his brother. He sobbed harder when he felt his mother hug him from behind. He wanted nothing more than getting rid of this feeling of grieve and guilt. Every time he looks at his brother’s face, he is reminded of the horrible things he had said to renjun, the way he had made mark hate him, the way he had been horrible to every single person in his life. He cries for the loss of his propriety of feelings he used to have when he was younger, less direct and less mean.

“It’s okay honey. It’s going to be alright.” His mother whispered, her breath brushing his hair.

“it’s not mom. Everything is so wrong. This was-“ he sobbed, “this was not suppose to happen. I don’t feel okay.” His voice broke, breaking his mother’s heart too.

As if a dam has been opened, he could not stop himself from crying in his mother’s arm for the second time on of the day. He wished he was in the hospital bed instead because it wouldn’t have mattered if he were unconscious. Everyone would’ve loved it if it were him, thinking he deserves that. Deserves to be getting hit by a car, deserves to die. Because jaemin has so many people who likes him. No one, literally no one hates him. But haechan, it looks like aside from his parents, everyone is wishing he were dead.

“I want to go home, mom. I can’t do this. I can’t watch jaemin like this anymore. I want to go-“ he begged his mother who silently sobbed with him, hugging him tight as if haechan is going to run away if she let him go.

“okay, hyuck. We’ll go home. Let’s go home.”

And they went home.

He decided he had to go to school to meet renjun tomorrow. One last try. Confronting someone had never turned out good but he’ll have to try. It took him so much time to realize that renjun had been there for all his big and small occasions. But he wasn’t there for renjun much more than needed and it didn’t even cross his mind all these years that renjun must be hurt for all the times he kept things from him.

_But I’m scared._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so muchhhhhhh for reading it!
> 
> as you can see this was a chapter based on how and what haechan thinks and my main focus on this fic is how haechan literally grew up from a brat to a responsible person who knows what's wrong and what's right and an ideal person everyone wants him to be. but that's a long way to go. it's not only haechan who is hurting in this chapter but the ones near him that wants badly to support him but is being shut out. yes, i think everyone have experienced something familiar, be it as haechan who wants to be better or as his mother who is also hurting not knowing how to help either of her sons.
> 
> anyway. enough being emotional. have you watched resonance mv and the rearranged ver. of from home???? i was thoroughly shaken in two different ways. and i'm so happy for the boys. they deserve so much love and support despite all the controversies and fan wars going on. be safe and healthy and see you on next update next week. thank you!!!💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚


	7. standing on younger ground, we didn’t know what we found.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That though the radiance which was once so bright be now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower. We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind.
> 
> William Wordsworth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was suppose to update yestoday but umm..yeah.  
> sorry for the delay but here it is.  
> (>_<) i cant insert real smiley emoji idk why

Haechan steps on the curb after he exits the car and made his way towards the school entrance, shoes crunching along the gravel. He turned and waved to his mother who waved back before driving away. There was almost no one in the lobby as he was a bit late than the usual reporting time. He didn’t want to have anyone’s attention on him for obvious reasons. Slowly and cautiously he made his way towards his class.

_“Is that a new shade you’re trying?”_

_“yeji, mind your own business.” Haechan replies monotonously as he opens his notebook. Yeji gives him head ache because once she starts asking questions, she doesn’t stop. So he doesn’t bother to indulge in her makeup rant to begin with. Also she hangs out ryunjin, the absolute emo of the school , who is currently giving him stink eyes from the front row. Despite being used to it, he still feels uncomfortable under her gaze like he went and poured water on her lunch and now she wants to eat him._

_“I was just thinking that you’d suggest me some brands that you’re currently trying. You always have some great-“_

_“maybe later?” he sighs. It feels good to know that people always find a way to compliment him but it gets tiring to interact with people who don’t know when to stop. Do they ever stop and think that they should give him a break?_

_Yeji pouts but eventually mutters something under her breath and looks away. He doesn’t mind helping her out but he knows she probably snitches behind his back with ryunjin and all the sweet act is just a front to get all the good stuff haechan has hands on._

_Yeji is annoying._

Head down and his hood up, blocking the sight of anyone who were in the locker room, he reached his locker and began to take out his textbooks when it started. The whispers.

“oh my god is that haechan? Look!” 

“yes it is. Gosh, he’s in a hoodie for the first time in his life I think.” Someone snickered.

“well, what do you expect? He looks so horrible.”

“did you know what he did at junior party?”

“yes I know. Embarrassing….”

He slammed his locker door as hard as he could, making the two girls jump at the loud sound and skitter away from him. He sighed. What is this? Is this going to be his new normal because he took one wrong step? Or has it been long overdue? But he is in no mood to wear any make up or a fancy shirt because now looking through his closet just makes him depressed. The more he looks through the endless hangers with colorful clothes, the more he becomes sad so he ended up in jaemin’s closet wearing jaemin’s hoodie. Today he feels alone without the presence of his brother and moreover there is no renjun to fill the gap and it’s suddenly abnormally awkward to walk alone in the empty hallway. The few students eyeing him wearily, giving him no choice but to focus on his shoes the entire walk.

The overwhelming feeling of something going wrong is nagging him from the moment he woke up from his restless sleep and he is aware that renjun might not want to hear his explanation but he can still try and get him to listen. There is no way renjun is going to walk away that easily because jaemin was his boyfriend in all but name, and to deny his brother… that is not renjun. The feeble attempt to calm his nerve came to an end when he reached his class and found renjun sitting on the first row. There was hardly any seat left so he went straight to the empty one in the far corner of the classroom. All the way to his seat he tried to avoid the curious glances of his classmates as if he were some specimen. He can’t blame them. They have been curious since forever but what bothered him was renjun didn’t even spare him a single look even though he was the one hurting the most. Can’t he see?

He sat down on his seat and was met with yeji giving him sparkling eyes she pulls whenever she has something to ask. “what?” he snarled.

“is it true?” her signature ponytails swaying as she checks the door for teachers.

“what is?” he knows where this is going but at the hindsight he wants to ignore the fact that everyone has talked behind his back. The world has a funny way of working out when you least expect a person you always thought was pitiful would look at you with pity. Yeji pouts, “I know this is straight up cruel to spread rum-“

“Get to the point!” he gritted his teeth.

“they said you outed mark in front of everyone and also pushed jaemin in front of a car that’s why you didn’t came to school for nearly a week? Heachan...it’s not true right? ”

“what?”

yeji was saying something but was interrupted when the teacher came in but the ringing in his ears drowned out every possible sound he was supposed to hear.

_He did what?_

Had it been on another day on another year, far from what had happened, he would’ve laughed on her face. The absurdity of the statement making him sit still with disbelief that how can people without any confirmation can spread such things. He might be straight up mean to the point of people hating him but to accuse him of hurting his brother intentionally is just crazy. Does everyone think that? He looks around the classroom with a tight grip on his pencil and a pounding heart. Everyone was taking notes and minding their own business aside from the not so subtle looks from ryunjin and her bunch of girls. But Renjun was already looking at him with a look so unlike him but soon turned back to the teacher.

This can’t be happening. What is he suppose to say when someone confronts him. The truth obviously, but are they going to believe him? Are his parents going to believe the rumors too? No. Renjun was there and he saw. He didn’t push jaemin. He was there with him but he won’t ever in his entire life push someone under a car. 

“Haechan”

He turned to yeji, “what now?” who jumped at his sudden bark. The few students around them were giving them looks for interrupting the class.

Yeji looked at him with wide eyes as usual, making him sit in anticipation. “I don’t think you should go to the cafeteria during lunch.”

“why?”

Yeji shrugged, “I just think you wouldn’t want to hang out with renjun anymore-“

“why??” he was more concerned about where she got the idea or whether she knew about their fight. What could go wrong? As usual, they’d sit at a table and sort out their mixed feelings and words and that’s it. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Little did he know it’s not going to be that simple if yeji is concerned about his well-being?

“I overheard renjun. The other day. When Chaeryeong and I went to pass something to jeno. That he was never going to forgi-“

“haechan, yeji! If there is anything more important than the guidelines about the upcoming test, then feel free to go out of the class.”

Yeji slightly bowed and kept her attention to the teacher for the remaining of the class. But he could not. He doesn’t want to dwell on what yeji said, it could be untrue for all he cares. Somehow it doesn’t sit well in the back of his mind. Like he knows he should talk to yeji after class about what she overheard but before he could go after her, ryunjin whisked her away in the blink of an eye. He had no idea what he was expecting but when renjun went out of the class without looking at him even once, it stung.

He sighed and slowly shoved his things inside his bag because he was not at all eager to go out in the hallway and be the center of attention for once. But eventually he did and immediately regretted coming to school. The things they were saying were horrible and they are not even trying to be subtle. The looks they are giving are not even sugarcoated and every step who to took; the more pronounced the whispers became.

_Oh my god, look at him._

_I thought he left school or something._

_Why isn’t he hanging out with renjun…_

_I heard he got dumped by lucas, good riddance._

_Yeah, who knows lucas would’ve ended up in hospital like his brother._

_Whoa, the audacity…_

_Fucking whore..that’s what he is._

His feet automatically took up speed, dodging people and finally breaking off into a sprint. The tears were on the verge of coming out. The stares were engraved in his mind like names in cobblestones, which he cannot even pretend like they don’t bother him. The need to prove himself and having everyone’s validation slowly wore off and what left was only him wishing he had never chased after something so unachievable.

Everyone’s approval.

He sat on the wooden box under the stairs, away from everyone’s eyes. Alone in the shadow hiding from the accusations. Were they really accusations? The number of times the repeated sentences he heard were enough to make him doubt what’s rumor and what’s reality. Does he even want to find out?

He clutched his bag to his chest and brought his legs up as he buried his nose on the hoodie he was wearing. Jaemin’s perfume giving him the little comfort he wants and it’s like the dam finally broke. His sobs making him curl into himself in silent cries. Each passing minute was like going through a storm and not seeing any lighthouse. He doesn’t know where to go from here, who to talk to and who to see. _Only if jaemin were here…_

He wiped his eyes with his sleeves and stood up to come out of the stairs as the corridors were almost empty because everyone probably went to their respective classes. He ducked when he heard someone coming down and saw mark as he rounded the corner. His heart suddenly pounded heavily looking at mark’s face. Should he apologize? Maybe mark will listen to him even though he doesn’t want to. He always does. He did the other day. Only today he will be apologizing for blaming him for something stupid.

He took a step towards the older.

“mark!! Where were you?”

He halted. The most rational thing to do would be go up to him and demand some alone time to talk so that he can say sorry for what he did.

But he couldn’t.

“I went to the staff room. Do you want me to walk you to class?”

Because the way mark’s serious face morphed into one of genuine happiness when mina appeared was enough to hold him back. He watched them chat. He watched them hold hands and walk towards their class, he watched them laugh happily at whatever mina said.

But nobody was there to watch his heart break into two. The thin thread holding his pieces finally snapped and left him in ruins. The tiny ray of hope vanished like a shooting star. Came and gone. Just like that.

…

He wanted to back out so badly. The more he came close to the door, the more difficult it became to take another step. But he badly wants to change the present dynamic between him and his only friend. Whatever he said he doesn’t mean it. He never did. Everything is said and done and the only thing he can do is try to fix it and leave everything behind and focus on jaemin’s recovery.

He took a deep breath and stepped inside the cafeteria. The bustling of students reduced as he slowly made his way inside. He was beyond nervous and scared as he watched their usual seat taken by someone else. He doesn’t know what’s normal anymore.

He turned towards the table where jeno and his friends are sitting and there he is. Renjun. Talking to lucas.

He was betrayed but not surprised. And he tried to calm his heart as he took tiny steps towards their table.

He passed by yeji who was holding her tray, shaking her head and mouthing don’t go to haechan. Maybe he should listen to her and just get out of there. But a little part of him was pulling him to do more damage than there really is. It’s like it’s either going to go too well or too bad. No in between and as if his feet had their own mind, he kept on going and only stopped when he reached their table with everyone’s eyes on them. Jisung purposely avoided him and continued diving into his sandwich, lucas looking at him with narrowed eyes and jeno looking between renjun and him. Renjun was playing with his salad, ignoring as if he is nothing but thin air.

“renju-“

“what do you want?”

The harsh tone taking him aback, pressing into his chest and making him hard to speak for a few seconds.

“I want to- to speak to you for a second.”

“then speak.” Renjun slowly stood up, facing him.

Haechan looked around for the second time and lucas raised his eyebrows as if challenging him to say something to him. He won’t though. He is here for only renjun.

“I wanted to apologize.” He gulped, “for what I said the other day.”

“you expect me to believe that?” renjun crossed his arms against his chest. “are you doing this because you want something from me again?”

“No!” haechan gaped in disbelief. “why would I want anything? I’m genuinely apologizing.”

“I don’t want it.”

“what?”

Renjun rolled his eyes, “I said I don’t want it. The things you said to me… you can’t take them back. So I’m not taking your apology either.”

“why?” his heart beat picked up as he processed what renjun said. “I know I can’t take them back but-“

“but what? do you even realize what you did? What you said ?” he flinched at the cold tone his friend was using. The look in his eyes held the same amount of frost. “you said I don’t fucking matter because I was there for clout. What clout, haechan?”

“I’m sorr-“

“stop it. Really.” He scoffed, “is it too unbelievable that I genuinely cared for you. That I wanted to be a part of that something you and jaemin had? That I wanted to break through your bubble and be your friend?

“every fucking time, you’d treat me like some plus one whenever we go out. But I was a fool to believe that someday you’d change and see me as your friend too. You said I was a fucking whore to latch on to both jaemin and jeno then what are you? Huh? Chasing after someone who doesn’t give two fucks whether you live or die.”

Jeno clutched renjun’s arm, indicating him to stop but renjun seemed determined. “Jaemin is so unlucky to have someone like you as his brother. Look where he end up. Just because of your petty and stubborn ass, he is suffering. Do you even feel guilty? Because you can be pretty selfish.”

“i-“ haechan was by now heavily breathing, renjun’s words echoing in his mind, making it hard to form words. “I am sorry. I am so so sorry.”

“that’s all you’ve got to say? For all the things you’ve done?” Renjun was to say the least, was very much cruel with his words in terms of proving himself. But being at the receiving end of it felt like a million pins pricking his chest, someone punching him in the gut and spitting on his face all at the same time. And it feels horrible.

“let me get this straight. First you treat everyone around you like shit, argue with every possible person that come across you, be the reason for everyone’s suffering. And to top that you get jealous of your own brother having more friends than you and for actually having fun. Do you feel good now? That I am out of your way? Or do you feel too lonely because everyone now knows what you did to your own brother for your selfish needs?”

“you were there, renjun. You know how I was at that time. I-“

“ I know. But isn’t it the same? He went to bring that piece of crap just for you. He wanted to stay there with us. But for you, YOU! He came to you. Could you be more selfish than that? Throwing your own brother towards danger for the shittiest thing? Say it!”

Realization dawned on him, like a slow fog enveloping him from all sides making him numb to the stares on him. “you did it. Didn’t you?” he whispered.

Renjun frowned, unable to catch it.

“you told everyone that I pushed jaemin.” He looked down, away from everyone’s gaze.

“does it matter? Becau-“

“why?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper, breaking like an ice stood on for too long. The misconceptions of understanding were confusing him from all sense. Was he wrong to assume to be forgiven? Was it wrong to hope for the best because he had never been this hopeful in life and brought him nothing but this emptiness like the last red string to his change finally gave up and left him to climb the mountain on his own.

“you-“

He turned around and ran. he didn't let renjun finish whatever he wanted to say because there is nothing he needs to hear anymore. He ran till his feet gave out upon reaching the rooftop. The crushing feeling making him hard to even breath let alone make sense of any of his feelings. The disappointment, the loss, the disbelief and most of all sadness were like a persistent blanket on him. He screamed and sobbed and hugged himself but nothing worked in easing the feeling. Does everyone believe that he would be so cruel?

He would trade anything to take away the deep rooted feeling of sadness inside him. It hurts. It hurt too much to calm down. He might be disappointed in others for being so gullible to such things but he was more disappointed himself for being the same. Too gullible to believe everything will be going back to normal after he talks to renjun. More than anything he is disappointed in himself for turning the very last person remaining against him. He wants to rewind the time and go back to how it was before or just fast forward to future so that he doesn’t have to carry this weight on his chest.

Will his parents be disappointed in him when he tells them what happened? Will he ever be able to go back to the cafeteria without being reminded of the harsh but somewhat true words renjun said to him? Will he ever be able to face the people without being reminded how his own friend stabbed him in the back? Being reminded of how he hurt renjun to the point to take revenge on him. Revenge? Was that it? When did everything come to this point?

_I can’t breathe. I can’t move..I cant_

His heart picked up the beat, and he struggled to breath. His hands shook, he gasped for air as his visions become blurry before everything became black.

…

“honey, how are you feeling?”

he frowned and blinked.

“mom?” _Where is he?_ He looked around and it was the school infirmary, what is he doing in school infirmary?

“Yes, hyuckie. I’m here. I think you had a panic attack.”

“what?” his mind was still foggy.

His mother caressed his cheeks, brushing off the stray strands of hair falling on his eyes. “One of your classmates found you in terrace.” His mother’s eyes searched his, pretty brown eyes concealing unreadable fear, “what were you doing there alone? Did something happen?”

Then it all comes crashing back to him. He leaned into his mother’s arms and his mother returned the hug. “will it be okay if I go home?”

He hugged his mother tighter when the tears came easily, “I don’t want to be here anymore, take me home mom. Please please...” deep sobs wracking through his petit form.

“of course, baby. We are going home don’t worry.”

“mom… I’m so sorry. Sorry…” he cried into his mother’s arms as she rubbed his back, her own eyes glassy because of her son breaking down in front of her.

“it’s okay. Let it all out. Everything.”

His cries echoes through the empty room and through renjun’s ear who stood watching hyuck break like this for the first time. And for once it’s not because of romantic reasons.

_Maybe that thing you say under your breath you mean it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a... pheww what a ride. it's currently 4 am in my place and i am sleep deprived so i dont even have any intelligent nerve cell left to form a decent sentence. but i'd love to hear what you have to say about this chapter. (T_T)
> 
> anyways. i have been into editing videos but i soon gave up on them coz not my CUP OF TEA. which reminds me i was kinda hoping to get a cup of coffee episode in jcc by the end of this year and still nothing. but we are still getting ot23 contents and it's more than enough. but what saddens me is that 2020 is ending in just in 14 days. wahhh (T@T)   
> also i forgot to add that 'Mean It' by Gracie Abrams was on repeat (^.^)
> 
> give lots of love to our boys and take care of yourselves too nctzens and everyone.  
> STAY SELF *dies coz of the inside joke*


	8. the deepest of my shallow mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ♥️𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙢 𝙄 𝙣𝙤𝙬? 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙛 𝙄’𝙢 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙖𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 ♥️
> 
> ♥️A friendship blooms. In subtle gestures and kind smiles.♥️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there’s nothing much happening here. It’s what I like to call as filler chapter to connect the dots for the coming ones. Hope you enjoy reading. 😪

“Mom. I’m going to be fine. This was the last thing that I forgot to pack.” Donghyuck adjusted the easel in arms as he reassured her. He wanted to wave but his both hands were occupied so he settled for a smile. But his mother was not having it. She hopped out of the car and gave him a big hug.

“I miss you already.”

“I miss you too, mom.” It’s been only two weeks since he moved in an apartment and they talk on the phone every day but it’s evident from the tightness of the hug that how much they miss each other. He wishes he could see his father often too but he’s been busy all the time lately.

His mother pulled back, eyes glossy as she blinked rapidly, “call me if you want anything. I mean it. Call me right on the spot if you are in trouble. And try to tell me everything you can. Okay?”

“mom.”

“and eat plenty. If I come in next two months and see that you’ve lost like fifty pounds, I’m going to take you back home right away. And get enough sleep so that-“

“mom!”

“yes.”

He sighed. His mother can get carried away and it’s endearing in a way. But she worries too much. And over thinking is her second nature. She’s been put through enough hurdles for a lifetime and worrying about him day and night is not helping her either. He doesn’t more of her time to be spent pampering over a grown human when he can take care of himself just fine. It’s just that the situations have led them to this predicament where his mother cannot stop worrying about him more than it’s needed. He feels like a burden.

“We’ve been through this. I’m going to be completely fine. Plus yangyang is here. If something happens, I’ll give him your number. Not that he’ll need it. You just don’t worry.”

“how can I not? I don’t trust that kid. He talks too loud and have you seen his room? I peaked in while he was showing you around.”

“mom! Why??” he was horrified. His mother is on another level of paranoia.

“I just did. It was full of computers. You’d think he was working for some fbi. Can you imagine? He stays holed up in that room playing video games all day!”

“that’s what a normal college student do.”

“no they don’t.”

Donghyuck looked at his watch, “yes. They do. But now I think you should be on your way to home like a normal mom.”

“I know I know.” His mother sighed, “I can’t help it.” She kissed his both cheeks before sitting on the car. She rolled down the glass, “remember, whenever you get too-“

“too overwhelmed I’ll call you right away and put your number on speed dial. I know.” He rolled his eyes fondly, “now go. It’s going to be dark.”

“bye. Don’t forget to call dad tonight. He’ll be home okay?” she blew him a kiss and drove away. Haechan took a deep breath before heading inside the complex.

The weather was quite chilled since it was beginning of November. He’s always liked the cold because the coziness of blankets and a hot chocolate puts him in good mood. And getting some work done along with a cup of chicken soup is just heaven which is much underrated. He’ll have to borrow some chicken soup from yangyang but he doubts the gamer possesses anything other than instant noodles. He was quite shocked to see two cupboards full of nothing but ramen on the day he moved in. 

Their apartment is in second floor and there’s a balcony outside his room on which he is planning to grow some plants but it’ll have to wait since he still has some boxes left to unpack.

He entered the living room where yangyang was lounging on the couch, watching anime in the TV. He had a bowl of dry cereal on his lap with his feet on the centre table.

“your mom left?”

“yeah. Just now.” donghyuck closed the door behind him.

“what’s that?” yangyang pointed at the easel in his hands.

“oh this? This is for painting. I like painting.”

“Yeah I figured.” Yangyang eyed a box labeled ‘art’ by the door. The living room was not huge but there was enough space for the storage of extra boxes as his room was full of boxes and a brand new single armchair with its plastic still intact. His mother had insisted on buying the orange monstrosity even though they both knew he won’t need it. But it’s for the aesthetics, his mom had said, it’ll be good to add some color to the empty room. He thought the apartment would come fully furnished but the only thing it had when they arrived was the single bed and an in-wall closet. So they had to buy everything from cutlery to bedding and the process of packing boxes upon boxes of belongings was tiring. But he is glad that he is here now.

“um do you by any chance have instant soup?”

Yangyang turned to him. “All I have is ramen and this.” He pointed at the cereal on his lap. “but there is like a department store just two blocks away. And there’s also a grocery store next to it. you can search the kitchen but it’s kind of empty and you must have run out of fresh vegetables too I guess.”

donghyuck stepped into the kitchen, “I think ramen will do for today. So how was your day?”

Yangyang switched off the TV and put his remaining cereal back into the box, “it was okay. Today was my cousin’s birthday but I stayed in to stream on twitch.” He snorted. “I’ve got my priorities sorted.”

donghyuck smiled, “wont he be upset?”

“he’ll probably come by tomorrow to throw me a private party. He doesn’t live too far from here.”

“you guys must be close. What does he do?” donghyuck put the ramen into the pot and set on the stove. “is he a student?”

Yangyang opened the fridge and fetched two cans of coke and set it on the table, “he’s a grad student in the same university as us. Which reminds me, we are the same age but you’re going to college a year later. Why’s that? Not that I’m going to judge if you were held back a year or something.”

“It’s fine. I was not held back a year but I decided to skip one because I couldn’t sit in my junior final exams. I transferred to another high school and I had to redo the whole grade. It was...messy.”

Yangyang nodded in understanding as they both stared at the boiling noodles. The vapor was making the lid foggy and the boiling sound of the ramen water filled the silence once again. Yangyang is a nice person and he’s happy that he gets to room with a person of same age as him. He is Chinese and likes to be left alone sometimes but He looks like a person you won’t get bored because he finds a way to make every conversation lively.

When the ramen was ready to eat, they both sat at the round dining table beside the kitchen window that overlooks the playground just next to their complex. “Do you have any friends here?” yangyang slurped loudly.

“No. Not that I know of.”

Yangyang sipped on his coke while nodding, “you know, I am a chill person. You can ask for help any time.”

“thanks.” donghyuck smiled at yangyang gratefully. “I might need that a lot.”

“No problem.” Yangyang beamed, “in fact, I can show you around campus if you want and if you don’t have anyone in your mind already. or if I am still intact as a human by the next week.”

“I don’t have anyone.”

“Great! I mean I’ll take you there.”

Donghyuck laughed at the stumbled phrase. “You can show me where my departments will be after you finish your finals. It must be stressful right?”

Yangyang spreading his arms looked around the room, “stress? Where is stress?” donghyuck laughs at the act. But the former continues, “It’s like living on redbull and ramen has made me immune to stress. Do you know how relieving gaming is?”

Donghyuck shakes his head, stifling another laugh.

“I just wing the answers in tests and whenever my mom calls I tell her that I’m relieving stress and she thinks I’m doing mediation or something. Pfft. She doesn’t have to know what goes on.” Then he proceeds to tell how once his mother came from china to visit him only to return to his cousin’s after pressing the doorbell multiple times and leaving him fifty missed calls just because he had his headset on while gaming the day away.

Haechan doesn’t think he has laughed this freely before. He feels warm and in his element like the rust that has formed over the past years is finally chipping off. When the laughter and conversation died down, he looked outside of the window as he sipped his coke. The sun is starting to set and the clouds looked like splashed pink paint splashed across the sky. His mom must have driven halfway through her journey.

“You know what.” Yangyang suddenly looked up from his food, “let’s start from grocery shopping tomorrow. You look like you can cook pretty well and I’m tired of this shit.” He took a spoonful of noodles only to drop them back into the bowl and looked at donghyuck with sparkling eyes, “You know how to cook, right? Like real food?”

“Yes…I know the basics.” donghyuck says, quite unsure of himself. He used to help his mother in the kitchen now and then and it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.

“Perfect!” yangyang stood up from his seat and stretched. He kept the bowl on the sink and headed to his room, “um donghyuck?”

Haechan looks up, “yeah.”

“Thanks for the ramen. It was delicious.”

Haechan smiled at that. It feels good, this is good. “No problem.”

♥️ ♥️ ♥️

The next day, he spent the whole day unpacking and taking all the potted plants outside on the balcony. He sighed as he sat down on the orange armchair as he looked around the almost cleaned room. The paintings have been put up and the clothes has been taken out and put in the closet. But still few boxes are in the living room, which he decides that he’ll sort out tomorrow. He hasn’t seen his flat mate since yesterday and honestly he doesn’t want to bother yangyang. He’s most probably sleeping because he stayed up late.

He sinks into the couch, his socked feet sliding on the wood flooring. The air is light and he feels his spirit lift by just looking around the room. He likes to believe he and his family have come a long way. Especially him. It feels like everything happened just yesterday but at the same time he feels detached from those days as if he is a whole new person. Deep down he knows it’s not possible but he likes to think that donghyuck is a different person than haechan. Haechan is not here in his mind, maybe in small gestures, yes. In whole, believing in his ‘donghyuck’ self is like breathing a lungful of fresh air. Even though the scars are still there, the nightmares still keeps him awake but however hard might it be the decision of moving on from whatever happened, has to be the best. He’s glad and finally at peace with himself. Or so he likes to think.

He looked out of the window just as dark clouds began gathering which made him hop out of his comfy place and knock on yangyang’s door. The later opened the door and as expected he was sleeping which was clearly proved by his wild hair and the crease marks on his cheeks. “Donghyuck. Wassup?” his eyes were not even fully open.

“it’s going to rain soon. You said we’ll be going to shop today.”

“but it’s raining.” Yangyang began to close his door.

“I said it is _going_ to rain. We better hurry.”

“huh. Alright.” Yangyang rubbed his stomach, his eyes closed and let out a long yawn. “let me shower. Ten minutes.”

“okay.”

On their way to the store, they were met with a thundering rain. Both were soaked but thanks to the grocery bag yangyang brought with him, it was big enough to shield both of them enough to not catch any cold. He's never been to grocery shopping with anyone and this will be his first time doing something with a sense of Independence. He feels normal and content. It might be nothing of a big deal for people like yangyang who’s been living on their own for a while. He's excited and nervous at the same time. What if yangyang ditches him in the middle and he has no clue where or what to do?

“Hey. What’s in that head of yours? Let’s go to the cereal section. You grab that!” donghyuck grabs the milk cartons off of the stands that yangyang points and follows him to another aisle, taking an empty basket on his way.

They loitered around for a while, picking up necessities and also things they won’t really use. Yangyang would make jokes about things, telling stories here and there. Overall it was a funny experience without his mom and to be honest he felt his nerves loosen a bit after yangyang told him they should pick some ice cream up for the movie night his cousin was coming over for and asked him to join them, telling that this way he could make more friends before even starting college.

Donghyuck was glad he got someone like yangyang who is putting in effort to make him welcome in the neighborhood and honestly he can’t wait for tonight to meet new people but at the same time he is insecure about himself being too awkward. Are they all going to be like his flat mate or too aloof to start a conversation? He can only hope he doesn’t mess up. Maybe he should cook something for them? something Chinese?

“Should I cook something tonight? Are they going to have dinner?”

Yangyang looked up from his inspection of colorful dishes. Apparently they only own two dishes and two bowls. They need more for tonight and using disposable plates and cups were against yangyang's principles.

“We usually order food because we don’t do much cooking because of college. But you can make fried chicken if you want. I really love chicken. Plus the weather calls for something spicy.”

Donghyuck hummed, “that’s right. Today’s weather is exceptionally wet. I’ll cook dinner then. I don’t know if my plants are going to survive though. I forgot to bring them in from the balcony.”

“You have a lot of plant.” Yangyang snorted while keeping a whole dinner set into the basket. “We should get some for the living room too. You know, it looks kind of stale right now.”

“Yeah, I can buy them if you want. I like decorating rooms.” His heart soared at the thought of starting his design study. He should make some blueprints of the living room, he thought. “Will you be okay if I buy some furniture? I mean I want to add whatever I can…”

“of course. Do whatever you like because the last flat mate I had was a junkie who smoked pot and did literally nothing. All he had in his room were stashes of weed and a collection of different bongs.”

“really?” They headed to the checkout counter and got into the line.

“Yeah. And I was like _no fucking way am I going to get high from second hand smoke that leaks from under his door._ So I called my cousin since the apartment is legally his and got that dude kicked out.”

Donghyuck shook his head, “wow, was he a grad student too?”

“No… I think he dropped out or something. I’m glad you are not like that though.” Yangyang kept unloading items and donghyuck started passing him the items at the bottom of the basket. “Plus he always leaves his dishes unwashed for days so eventually he started using plastic cups and plates. It was disgusting.”

“Yes, that’s horrible.”

They eventually checked out and exited the store and headed to the fresh vegetable store two blocks away. The rain hadn’t stopped but it was light enough to not cover themselves. It was starting to get a little dark because the sun had already set and all there was left was a little red hue here and there. The sidewalks were wet and the car headlights reflected on them making them look like marble floor. It was beautiful.

After two or three buildings, yangyang stopped abruptly, smacking his forehead, “shit I forgot to pick sanitizers and dish soap. Damn, they’re neat freaks. I need it.”

Donghyuck looks back towards the store they just walked away from. It was not that far and plus the rain is still pouring, however light it may be. “You go ahead, I’ll go get them.”

“Are you going to be fine? Do you know where the store is? The one we’re heading to next?”

“I’ll call you if I can’t find it. Now go before we both get completely drenched.”

Yangyang nodded while taking the bags from the older and them both walked away. Donghyuck jogged towards the previous store, shielding his head; knowing that it’ll get wet no matter what. He went straight to the other side of the store searching for sanitizers.

When he found one, his eyes fell on some vanilla scented candles. Maybe he should take some for his room. He was debating between pink and blue colored candles when he felt someone’s eyes on himself, the light feeling of being watched making him shiver. He turned left abruptly, not expecting to lock eyes with anyone. But he did with a pair of dark brown eyes, and it nearly made him step back in shock.

_Mark?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve decided to post some pictures as well as share some of my AU chatrooms in twitter. First [thread](https://twitter.com/lunarfullsun/status/1341072759732912128) will be for this chapter. I personally like to read stuff when I have a mental image of an environment or the type of aesthetic that are meant to match with the story. So I hope you check them out as well.   
> Link is [here](https://twitter.com/lunarfullsun)  
> As I’ve said earlier, this is just a chapter to give more background support to the story. I told you guys in earlier updates that there’ll be a lot of interaction between different characters. I hope you don’t find the bg stuffs distracting. In the next chapter you might see some fluff and romance. Just maybe. Just to have a break from this long ass angst that doesn’t seem to end. I love breaking people’s heart lmao, imma break more.😆😆😆


	9. dark clouds, gloomy chats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> be like the spring wind, wherever it goes, it brings nothing but serendipity of joy and peace.  
> -luna   
> (whatever the fuck I wrote)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to be like double the amount of words it has now. So to maintain the consistency, I split it into two chapters. So here it is.   
> [Thread](https://twitter.com/lunarfullsun/status/1343293191030632448) for this chapter and my [twitter](https://twitter.com/lunarfullsun)
> 
> enjoy!

They couldn’t get any chicken recipe that was easy enough for them which resulted in ordering some from the nearby chicken restaurant. He was disappointed, but yangyang said it’s the thought that matters and he doesn’t have any problem as long as it is still chicken. But he was not satisfied.

After he returned home he apologized to yangyang because he couldn’t get the things he needed, who is currently in his room ‘trying his best’ to make it presentable before his cousin and their friend arrive. As he watched the bowl of instant rice spin inside the microwave, his thoughts drifted to the mark. What was he doing there? Donghyuck knows there is a probability of mark going to the same institution as him and he doesn’t know how to feel about that yet. But he knows for sure that he was left stupefied for the whole two seconds their eyes met. Mark hasn’t changed much.

Except for the way his hair is now swept back and features more sharper and...mature. but his eyes were the same, the frown and the color as dark as ever.

It’s like looking at a mountain over a long period of time. The appearances and surroundings are so different yet something is so familiar that you can miss it. The lingering feeling of belonging to a time-slot in the past that’s too hard to shake it off. Maybe it’s the way the glare never changed or the way his mouth curve down whenever his eyes fall on donghyuck, or the way his heart twisted at the sight of older and was reminded of the hate directed at him.

_“i saw and heard you mark. with my own eyes and ears!” haechan stomped his feet as he glared at mark, who remained unaffected by the younger’s tantrum. “explain it to me, right now!”_

_“what’s there to explain? I already told you, i was not talking about you. SHE was talking about you and i was just listening, okay?” mark rolled his eyes and threw his arms up in defeat._

_But haechan was not having any of his bullshit today. He wants to know why his bestfriend of all people is badmouthing about him behind his back. He was beyond frustrated when he saw mark, mina and another guy from mark’s class were in the gym when he walked towards them on the bleachers. He clearly heard mina say ‘haechan should’ve been suspended instead of hyunjin to be honest. He is the root of almost all the fight that happen there.’ And he saw in disbelief as mark nodded at her. It was the first time ever in his entire life to be left numb in his brain, unable to formulate any speech as he watched his bestfriend say, ‘i guess you're right.’_

_“really?” haechan's eyes narrowed. He was not one to back off from any argument to prove himself right and this is no different. He might as well get an answer for why mark is acting like the tough guy all of a sudden. “i heard you agree with her. How do you explain that?”_

_Mark sighed, “look. People are going to talk about everything. And at top of that you are a freshman and everyone is going to have an opinion. Why are you sweating about it?”_

_Haechan gaped. Is this what mark thinks? “i don’t care about anyone’s opinion but yours! How would you feel if i were to say stuffs about you to other people i don’t even know well?”_

_But mark’s eyes hardened, now glaring at haechan, “in my defense i know mina and soobin well. Plus i don’t give a shit about what people talk.”_

_His visions blurred, tears welling up as soon as his thought spiraled to the other direction, “so you don’t care what i think of you?” his timid voice having no effect on the tough shell mark seems to create over a year._

_“here comes the crying...you shed tears at every fucking thing. Making yourself the victim.” Mark snarled, “this is useless. Cut the act!”_

_“i- i’m not acting. What is wrong with wanting your best friend to act like one?” he was so restless and anxious of not being understood, of not being noticed of all the feelings he is going through at the moment. He desperately wants mark to look into his eyes and see what is there._

_“bestfriend? You are breathing down my neck every two seconds. Is this what a bestfriend do?” mark scoffed. “go and hangout with people your own age haechan.”_

_“i only have you, hyung. Jaemin has his own group of friends, who seems unconforta- i’m- “ he stuttered as he realized what mark was saying. He does not want to lose a friend he holds close to his heart, he doesn’t want mark to let go whatever scrap of friendship they have left as he picked the side of his shirt, looking at the carpet he and mark have spent numerous weekends playing games._

_“I have friends with similar interests as me and who understands me. Okay? Is that too hard to process that i need to spell it out for you?” mark's voice softened but it was still steely, holding the statement by a firm nail in the end._

_“i’m just saying that-“_

_“i don’t care. Go and call your mom to pick you up. It’s late. I’ve had enough.”_

The sudden sound of something crashing from the foyer interrupted his journey down the memory lane which was not in the slightest pleasant. The sight of mark after a very long time brought back the pieces of his memories he was somewhat sure he had buried deep. Now he can only pray he does not run into mark once again.

He stopped the microwave and headed towards the living room, frowning when he heard yangyang yell at someone.

“taeyong! That was not mine. It was donghyuck’s!”

“i’m sorry. I was just trying to untie my shoes!”

He came to a scene of yangyang trying to piece together the new ceramic plant pot donghyuck’s mother brought the other day and a distressed, he assumes, taeyong; still trying to untie his shoes with one hand on the wall for support.

But he frowned as his eyes met Ten’s.

_Ten._

“oh, this is donghyuck. And donghyuck, it’s about time you meet the owner, Ten. Aka my annoying cousin. And this is taeyong, who is....” It seems like yangyang was unaware of Ten’s intense glare on donghyuck. One would say the world is playing a joke on him if they were to know about the predicament he has landed himself on unknowingly. what were the chances of him guessing that out of all the people in the university, Ten would be yangyang’s cousin? Very less. Yet here they are.

“haechan?” Ten smirked, as if he was delighted that donghyuck was, in fact standing right in front of him with real fear this time.

Ten, with his cat eyes and sassy stance. Ten with his sophisticated dressing even though he is here for a college movie night with his cousin. Ten and his unwavering gaze, making donghyuck want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Ten and his unexplainable aura of making people insecure of themselves.

“heh? Who is haechan? That’s donghyuck. Let’s go inside dummy.” Yangyang pushed his cousin inside, defusing whatever tension there was and a trailing taeyong who smiled at him apologetically.

“nice to meet you, donghyuck. I’m so sorry for that..vase thing..”

“it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” He smiled at taeyong, who looked intimidating but his soft spoken words proving otherwise. After taeyong went to join them in the couch, he took a deep breathe; taking in the sight of his pink plant pot in two pieces, lying sadly beside the shoe rack. He should’ve known better than to leave it there, he can't blame taeyong for knocking it down.

The feeling of suddenly being overwhelmed was back again. The feeling where you want to leave your own body because suddenly it is too much to feel the surge of emotions. He is not ready. In fact, he is far from ready and even though enough time has passed, he is sure he needs more time to process the thought of facing anyone from his past.

“donghyuck, why don’t you join us?” taeyong invited him, patting the empty space on the couch. But he is not sure if he would be able to make friends this way. And judging from Ten’s patronizing look, he assumes he is not welcome. Even though taeyong is looking up at him with kind puppy eyes.

He shook his head as he headed to the kitchen, “i’m not feeling well. I think i’ll go sleep.”

“but you promised you’ll join us.” Yangyang protested.

“i’m sorry. I think the rain got to me. Microwave the food okay? Enjoy.” after he took his share of food, he headed towards his room.

“has he been giving you trouble?” he heard ten ask.

“no? Why would he?” yangyang snorted.

“no it’s just that-“

He closed the door. It doesn’t matter what ten says to yangyang, he has an inkling that his college life wouldn’t go the way he wants to. The intention of him being a wallflower throughout his stay seems to get more unachievable as he looks back at today’s events.

He feels like he is back to circle one. The imaginary milestone he put up when he decided to move into a shared apartment, despite his mother’s objections on that matter, did not exactly point out where in the progress scale he is on. His mother had wanted him to live on his own, and go back and forth from their house or apply for a distance program until he is completely ready to face the world again. His senior year was a mess, his mother assumed that college would be the same. But after negotiations, they both agreed that stepping outside of the his childhood home and living somewhere else might help his progress. But in one condition; he must not live alone. She searched up apartment close to the uni and he ended up here. He curses as he realizes that how close he is to the people he desperately wanted to run away from.

He pushes around the greens and separates the chicken and mixes again. He doesn’t have the appetite anymore.

The more he thinks about it, more it seems like it was a bad idea to enroll in this very college.

He sighs as his mind once again, like always, takes him back to mark. Mark, who reminds him of all the horrid things he did to gain the older's attention, the enemies and friends he made, of all the bad things he stirred among people. Mark, who is painfully still handsome and broody. Mark who reminds him of his brother. Who reminds him of the way he caused the unfortunate incident. No matter what his mother says, what his father says, what Dr. Moon says. no matter what he tells himself. He still believes the fault lies on no one but him.

Tears form again. _Crybaby._

He had the urge to leave the dishes on his desk and not leave the room to face any more people. But as he peaked from his room, no one was on the couch. They probably went to yangyang's room.

He made his way toward the kitchen, dumped his food and started washing his dishes when Ten scared him with a ‘hey'.

“sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

Donghyuck restrained from physically cowering away from the older as he approached. Ten leaned on the counter, watching him rinse the bowls.

Ten started, “it's been ages since we last met… wow who could've thought.” He scoffed.

Donghyuck frowned. He didn’t need to be on any good graces with ten after what went down between them at their first meet and maybe a little part of wants to be his friend like everyone else but his promise of ‘no attachment to the past' is keeping it suppressed. That’s why he remains mum even when ten's statement lingers in the air as if searching for its other end.

But ten doesn’t seem to leave it at that.

“I didn’t peg you to be someone who holds grudge, to be honest.”

"i don't."

Donghyuck looked up from his task briefly. Ten was looking back at him already, something akin to mischief and much interest in his eyes. He knows what the other is doing, provoking donghyuck so that he can see his breaking point. He has to admit. Ten is good at hitting the most weakest spot so that it hurts the most. But donghyuck too, has developed a strong ability to remain quite. He is not sure if it was a good trait he acquired or lost his capability to stand up for himself that individuates him from others.

“i'm just saying that you seem to be a lot different than the last time we met. So. your name is now donghyuck?” ten questioned.

 _Answer only those which makes you comfortable._ Dr. Moon had said.

He shook his head. This is ten, not his therapist.

“Yes, I prefer to be called donghyuck. Haechan was a nickname.”

“ah.. I see.”

Donghyuck smiled tightly before quickening his pace. He feels so awkward focusing on his work while a former (he likes to believe) nemesis is still looking at his every move. He wants to break the silence and make the atmosphere light but how. It’s been so long he has come in contact with someone who has seen his nasty self back in highschool and it makes his skin crawl to even think that people will always see him as the same brat he used to be, or still is.

“I’m sorry.” He let out the apology, in the quite of the night and over the din of cluttering dishes and running water.

“What for?” ten asked, his knowing voice which surprisingly did not hold any hostile tone.

“I genuinely thought we could've been friends… if not for petty things I said back then.”

Ten remained silent for a long time. Donghyuck held his breath as he wiped his hands on the towel before heading to the fridge to fetch some water for himself. He wanted Ten to say something so badly, acknowledge his apology and lift the invisible but heavy weight from his shoulder.

“but I didn’t think that. I already knew who you were.” Ten smiled sideways, amused at the contrast between their thoughts on their encounter through johnny.

“Mark?” Donghyuck asked, already knowing the answer; just for the sake of continuing the conversation. The name felt bitter on his mouth, spoken after so long.

“yeah. And trust me… when I said he didn’t talk anything beside how annoying and… possessive you were, I was not lying. Really.”

“I- I undertand. Its just that… I used to lose my cool whenever someone mentions mark…”

“you still do. Don’t you?”

Donghyuck pondered at the question. Does it still bother him? Will he lose his cool if he meets mark again and the older acts the same he had always been doing? Maybe no. Maybe yes.

“I think it's different now. ”

Ten nodded and looked out of the kitchen window. The same one which overlooks the playground and lets bright rays of sun in the afternoons. It's night time so the curtains are partially drawn but the lights from the far university hill skyscrapers are like a sea of stars; bright as the dim kitchen light lets them see enough of the night's beauty.

“how is johnny?” he felt like asking it. He hasn’t seen the person in a very long time. The last time he met him was a blur in the chaos of his memories of crying in his mother’s arms. Johnny had looked at him with worry and dread then.

“shouldn’t you know? I thought you were close.”

“we were but-“ having lost all of his contacts, he decided not to mingle with anyone except for his parents and teachers. It still seems like it would be a difficult task to be in anyone’s presence. Ten included. As time passes he feels more and more comfortable continuing their chat in the quite of the apartment, aside from the occasional yell coming from yangyang's room. “but I don’t talk to anyone from highschool so…”

“we broke up. About a year and half ago.”

“oh. I’m sorry to hear that.” He doesn’t know how to feel about that. He didn’t know much about their history, but they looked good together. But maybe it’s just an illusion of perfect relationship, he doesn’t know what lies deep down there.

“It's just… we are taking a break. His job in the company and then me being at university. It’s too hectic.” Ten shrugged, looking out of the window.

“But isn't it too long to be just a break?” He blurted before he could stop. He clammed his mouth with both his hand as he waited for ten's reaction. He has done it again. He has ruined another potentially good friendship with his involuntary mouth.

But to his surprise, ten laughed out loud, pointing at donghyucks gaping mouth.

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

Ten's eyes glazed over as if thinking about a far away memory, he tsked, “its fine. I mean it is too long to be a fucking break. And we haven’t talked to each other in months…”

Ten pursed his mouth before looking at donghyuck all too suddenly. His eyes back to the composure he held a few minuted ago, "you know what? You and I are so alike, now that I think of it.”

“why do you think that?” donghyuck asked cautiously.

“because if I were in your shoes and johnny talked shit about me behind my back, I would've also tried to make his life a living hell.”

Donghyuck frowned, “I didn’t necessarily think about it that way but I guess it was unintentional.”

“yeah?” ten’s tone was of genuine curiosity which made donghyuck want to share a part of what he felt like.

“I was… fucked up. I mean Mark’s dislike towards me is clearly justified. I pined after him for so long and in returned he gave me the attention I wanted in the form of hate and I ate it up…”

He stopped. He felt like he overshared. The bubbling feeling of taking his words and shoving them back inside his mouth again was overwhelming. His hands shook and cold sweats formed on his forehead.

“I’m sorry. I jjust-“ He proceeded to apologize, taking the water bottle back to the fridge. But ten cut him off.

“it's fine. But It’s not too late you know. you can just talk to mar-“

Donghyuck shook his head, “I don’t think I should see him. I don’t want to see him. I think I’ve had my closure after everything happened with my brother and…”

“oh.” Ten nodded, “how is jaemin doin-“

“ten, we are going to resume the movie if you don’t come back.” Yangyang's was holding open his door, clearly pissed that ten was taking too long to bring the water they requested a while ago.

Donghyuck took this as his cue to close his conversation with the older. He muttered goodnight to both of them and went to his room.

The night was serene. The potted plants outside on the balcony reflected the lights coming from the building in the front. He decided to leave the curtains open so that a little light can come in as he laid in his bed, blanket tucked to his chin.

He replayed the conversation with ten. Went through each and every word. What he could’ve said, what he shouldn’t have. His mind once again in a mess as he had been earlier. In the quite of the night he closes his eyes and finally drifts into a deep sleep after chanting that everything will be okay, again and again in his mind.

_“I think I’ll never forget this day. I love this.”_

_“if I had known you would be this excited for Ferris wheel, then I would’ve just dropped the idea.”_

_“jeez, haechan. Let me enjoy.”_

_“happy birthday jaemin!”_

_I was so happy, but so sad._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I’m going crazy. So much is happening. Like the other day, I got to know that my younger brother has been stealing money from my father since September. About 400 dollars. My father is going to be livid if I open my mouth. Damn. It’s been weighing on my mind, It’s crazy.  
> Anyways. I was about to update like 2 days before but then I got caught up in other work.  
> I want to talk about ten’s personality. He is like a friend of mine who is very different for people she met for only a day. But when you spent enough time, calmly open up to her about yourself, she’d be glad to see you as a trustworthy friend. And once you gain her trust as well as show your trust towards her, the bond she makes with you would be so strong that no matter what happens, she’ll always be there to help in any possible way. The sassy and unapproachable façade is just a thing to keep people from assuming that she is easy. That’s how I feel like ten would be in real life. There will a little glimpse in ten’s life in the next chapter…just a litte. Very little.
> 
> And also I cant wait to earn my own money to buy online/offline concert tickets to enjoy nct to it’s fullest but ugh rn I’m broke. Completely. Parents would whoop my ass if I ask them for money for CoNCeRts coz I should not waste my time watching men dance. Stfu.  
> To all the people who watched the live, huhuhhu, you are the luckiest. Don’t take it for granted.


	10. the red string

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things always turn out to be the way it’s supposed to be, no matter how you want the events turn your way. Don’t look back, the karma’s going to bite you. Donghyuck wants to look forward, he should prolly keep doing that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> late update boooo.  
> Here it is at last. After almost two agonizing week, I finally did it.  
> Enjoy!

“Kun!”

The person in question, engrossed in the newest soap opera, did not give any sign of moving nor acknowledging the cry of help.

“QIAN KUN!” Ten screamed on top of his lung, his voice echoing in the empty laboratory. “Fucking help me here?” Hands halfway in the air to grab another Petri dish, he turned to look at Kun who was slowly getting up from his cozy seat on the other side of the room.

They both have been assigned to make some slides for the freshmen as a part of _helping out their professor._ And since they are practically carrying the class average by themselves, it was not a choice to back out from some bonus points.

But he was tired. 

He’s been constantly running around biotech department building and to another laboratory in medical department in search of some micropipette tips only to find them in a locked drawer next to his workspace. Next he had to run to his general elective classes where he forgot to bring notes that he had prepared beforehand while pulling an all-nighter. It triggered his frustration towards his partner who was doing nothing but was being a useless company for the past two hours. Kun claims that he’s taking a ‘break' which seems to last as long as his drama episodes.

“What do you want me to do?” Kun asked as he pocketed his phone and looked around the incubator.

Ten rolled his eyes, moving to continue his task. Don’t get him wrong, Kun is a very intelligent student but his lack of attention in a given work for too long makes him look like an idiot.

“I did more than what I was supposed to do and it was a team work?”

“No no. Specifically. What is there for me to do? Like right this instant?”

Ten shoved the clipboard to the older, and sighed, “this.” He circled the last point, “only this. Because thanks to me I did almost all of them.”

Kun smiled sheepishly, “I’m sorry, okay?” He checked the long list, “it’s not my fault that the episode aired like an hour ago.”

“But it is completely your fault that you decided to watch the older reruns. You’re such a grandpa.”

Kun put on his gloves while the younger removed his and proceeded to put his stuff inside his bag.

“It’s pretty good that’s why I couldn’t help myself. Where are you going by the way?”

Taking off his lab coat, ten answered, “I’m going to grab something to eat and then head home.”

“But are you suppose to leave before finishing all of this?” Kun pointed towards the table with empty Petri dishes still to be smeared.

“Ugh... Seriously, I’m really tired. I made the solution and it was the longest process and needed actual brain functioning. And you can’t do the simplest one alone?”

Kun laughed nervously, “okay. You could’ve just said yes you are leaving…”

“And please don’t forget to put the stains back in place because Mr. Kim said he needs them tomorrow.”

“Alright. Whatever. Leave.”

While Kun busied himself, ten made his way out of the building. Breathing in deeply, he felt like he just walked out of a prison and ready to head home after a year old sentence. It can’t be helped because however much he enjoys himself working in a laboratory, if he had to run one more electrophoresis, he might have pulled out his own hair.

It’s really draining to constantly do the same thing again and again. He wants to complete his PG as soon as possible to so that he can move on to work in a real laboratory. Doing real work and not what’s already been done.

It was his passion to look beings up under a microscope and figuring out how they work. And on the way it has become his goal to make to his father’s pharmaceutical laboratory where world class scientists work to bring out new inventions and discoveries. He was fascinated from afar but when his father told him to work hard to be on that standard of intelligence, he had grabbed the opportunity to pursue in bioinformatics.

All of his friends in that department were as busy as him. So in the end there’s not much time left to invest in friendships. But getting each other’s back classes was enough for him. They were, in some sense, cool people who like to keep it to themselves. So he doesn’t mind hanging out with them whenever possible. For example, yuta who might be high almost all the time but doesn’t fail to get a score above an A minus and turn in assignments on time when ten himself struggles to do so, and somehow manages his academics, love life _and_ _lit life_ all too perfectly.

He can’t relate. he can barely keep up with social media anymore.

He made quick and long steps towards the parking lot.

It was slowly nearing sunset and the warmth from the noon was subsiding. Truthfully speaking, he is not a fan of cold weathers but this, when he is free to go home and snuggle with his cats and sleep and a stomach full of hot food, is the best part.

He was looking through the parking lot for his car when a familiar figure caught his eyes.

Jung Jaehyun in his element, chatting up with a freshman like every year.

And the newbie happens to be none other than donghyuck himself.

Jung Jaehyun has chosen his prey.

Should he be surprised? Probably no. Haechan or donghyuck, whoever he is, he has quite the charisma that lures people towards him intentionally or not. He doesn’t know much about the kid but from the mere background check in his social media or the lack thereof, tells him that the younger is detached from outside world consisting of snakes like Jaehyun.

“Jaehyun, how nice! You met donghyuck already? It’s like his second week in college, right?” sarcasm dripped from his every word.

Donghyuck turned to look at ten with wide eyes, uneasy that he is in the presence of two seniors. “Hi ten!” he greeted meekly but Jaehyun was looking at Ten with dagger eyes.

“Donghyuck is nice. I met him on the way to library.” Then he turned towards the freshman, who blushed furiously, “do you want to perhaps grab a coffee or something?”

Ten watched in amusement as he saw the tanned boy stammer a response resemble a stammering ‘maybe be next time'. So he decided to cut the kid some slack and save him from the walking horror, who is Jaehyun, asking him out.

“Sorry Jaehyun, but he can’t.”

The taller seemed offended, “I don’t remember asking you?”

“Then ask donghyuck. I am supposed to show him around town this week and tonight we are going to go shopping. Right?” he turned to donghyuck who nodded vigorously.

“See?” ten folded his arms as he watched Jaehyun glare at him. Then he turned to donghyuck with a sickeningly sweet fuckboy smile he pulls every time he wants to get laid, dimple and all, “I guess next time it is. I’ll see you around?”

“yeah. Of course. Bye.” Donghyuck shyly smiled at Jaehyun, who winked in response; making ten’s stomach lurch in disgust. He rolled his eyes as he watched the literal college playboy walk away from them, spinning his Lexus keys on his forefinger.

He turned to a red donghyuck who was looking anywhere but him, “uh where were you heading this way?”

“oh I just wanted to check this side of the campus before I head home.”

“okay? And alone? Do you have a car?”

Donghyuck shook his head, “I just take the bus. Or walk home. I should just probably go now.”

Ten sighed, _too naïve and gullible, or just plain stupid and dense._

“come with me. I’ll drop you home.”

“no its fine-“

“Just come with me, donghyuck.” That shut him up. Donghyuck followed the older towards the car.

Donghyuck was not surprised when Jaehyun approached him but he was intimidated. Because he was a senior and also an extremely handsome one. Donghyuck was star-struck for a moment when Jaehyun came up to him and asked if he was new here. The older was nice, he thought as he replayed their conversation. The uneasiness he felt when Jaehyun asked him out was apparent but he couldn’t blame himself for getting nervous.

He made a new friend just last Friday, Sungchan, who told him all about Jaehyun’s rumors. But he couldn’t help but feel like there’s more to Jaehyun than the superficial image everyone seems to have of him. He knows how it feels on being assumed based upon just rumors and without any evidence, he doubts Jaehyun can harm him in any way.

He was nothing but charming the whole time they talked. The conversation was mostly one-sided as he had just nodded or replied in short phrases to Jaehyun’s elaborate questions. But Jaehyun must have noticed how shy he was, hence assured that there’s nothing to be scared of. Because after all they’re all in the same college and at some point they are bound to be friends. Donghyuck agrees.

He hopes he will see Jaehyun often around campus.

He smiled as he thought back to Jaehyun complimenting him. It felt nice.

“I should warn you about that dickhead. He is not nice.” Said ten with a serious tone while driving, as if reading his mind.

Donghyuck frowned as he turned to the man, “um… why?”

“I know. Trust me. He is the biggest asshole in the whole college and he knows it.”

Donghyuck shrugged at that, he’ll be the judge of that but since ten is telling him this then he should better agree. “okay.”

Ten slowed and eventually stopped in front of a coffee shop, “no, I’m telling you. Steer clear of that guy because he is nothing but trouble.” He unstraps himself, “Do you mind if I grab a drink?”

“No. go ahead.”

He sat in the car looking out of the window, contemplating whether he should follow ten inside or just sit in the car and get bored. But the slight glimpse of delicious looking croissants made him jump out of the car. It was the beginning of December and the holiday decorations were already up. The warm tone inside the bakery was soothing; contrasting against the cold weather outside and the pleasant smell of baked goods wafts through air every time someone opens the door.

Before he could fully savor the full display of different kinds of dessert, his eyes fell on ten beside the counter but he was with someone. And that someone, as per his bad luck, happens to be mark, talking animatedly with the older. Before he could turn around and leave without being noticed, both of them turned to him simultaneously, having heard the bells on the door.

He froze. _Shit._

Suddenly it was too hard to breathe, too hard to pull away his eyes that locked on a pair of dark brown ones. His heart pounded as he took tiny steps towards the pair with whatever courage he has. Ten seem to sense his uneasiness, who immediately smiled and motioned for him to come closer.

“Do you want something? The mini blueberry pies are very good here. You should buy some for yourself.” Ten lifted his brown bag of bakery to show that he had bought some for himself along with a large size mocha bubble tea.

He absentmindedly nodded and looked towards the display. But his full focus was mark’s gaze on him, watching his every move. Confusion, wonder, surprise and a swirl of other emotions etched on his face. Mark has always been someone who wore his heart on his sleeve, exposed for everyone to see what he truly felt without masking anything. And it pained him to straighten and finally look his way. He hesitated before settling on small smile directed to the older.

But mark seemed to be deep in thought as he looked back and forth between him and ten, ignoring his olive branch. His heart sank.

“you remember yangyang right? My cousin?”

He saw mark nod slowly, “yeah, the gamer one?”

Ten snorted, “yeah. He and donghyuck here share an apartment. And we’ve met couple of times in campus.”

He shift on his place as he saw mark glance at him, “dongh- and you two are suddenly friends?”

“really mark?” ten frowned, suddenly serious.

He hated it. He hated how they were talking as if he were not there.

He hated how he thought after this long mark’s dislike for him would fade just like his dislike for almost everyone faded. He hated how mark’s frown would deepen upon looking at him, the lips pursed; never really forming a smile. He consoled himself that he doesn’t care anymore whether anyone hates him or not. But who was he kidding. The familiar feeling of anxiety and to do something is kicking in again. He urged himself to stay rooted, mask his emotions and be brave for once, but the desire to flee was strong.

He tugged ten’s sweater, “ten. Can we leave now?”

Ten turned to him, “are you not going to buy anything?”

“No.”

“Okay then. It was good to see you mark. I wish we could meet often like before.”

Mark smiled tightly and curtly nodded, “yeah. Me too. Bye”

Donghyuck wanted to disappear from his spot as mark seemed to fix his eyes on him permanently this time. It was unnerving, to say the least. He followed ten out of the store and away from mark and he cursed his luck as soon as he realized that it was a wishful thinking to expect not to run into mark again when clearly the universe had plans other than to remove him from a sticky situation.

It is not at all helping. Not at all.

Ten was a good company, never questioning much and overwhelming him. The music in the car filled the silence and it was comfortable inside as the heating did a good job to keep his usually cold fingertips warm. He rubbed his cold nose, sinking into the comfy seat while looked out of the window, but never really looking. Unfocused. Zoned out.

_He grasped the sheets tightly as he turned on his side._

_Hot._

_Sweat dripping._

_Whirling fan._

_He blinked._

_Once._

_Twice._

_The face in front of him is calm and asleep. Chest moving with every steady breath. Eyes closed as stray stands of dark hair fell on his forehead. Long eyelashes brushing his cheeks._

_His eyes traveled to his nose, then to his lips._

_He stared at the slightly parting lips. Peach colored, tempting._

_How would it feel like to kiss your best friend? Will he be pushed away? Will mark be disgusted?_

_He told mark to switch off the air conditioning so the whirling of fan instead filled the air, not really helping with the summer heat. His pillow partially drenched because of sweat and he could see Mark’s frown._

_Should he wake him up?_

_He gulped as his eyes traveled to the older's lips again. His throat dry and breath heavy, he inched closer._

_Closer._

_And closer._

_Until his lips were millimetres away from Mark’s. So so tempting in the dark. Illuminated only by the nightlight._

_He’s thirteen and mark doesn’t know that he doesn’t like girls. Will mark push him away if he tells him that he is confused?_

_If he tells him that it doesn’t feel weird to think about kissing him. That he wants to steal his first kiss without him knowing. Will he be mad?_

_Before he knows it, he leaned closer as his lips connected with the other with a feather light touch. Soft. Fresh. Warm. Bliss._

_He pulled away with wide eyes. Gauging his best friend’s reaction. But mark sighed in his sleep, oblivious to the thief that stole his first kiss._

_Haechan blushed. First kiss. Pounding heart, and shaky breath and blinking wide eyes._

_First kiss._

_In the middle of the summer night, on a Saturday at usual video game sleepover._

_He touched his lips, as he was tempted to go for another one but mark shifted and faced the other way. Then he stared at his back, broad and soaked with sweat. He wanted to reach out and hug him. Wanted mark to turn around and kiss him back but he smiled as he sighed in contentment._

_The night suddenly felt surreal and beautiful. As if he discovered a new side of himself, the feeling was freeing._

_The night dragged on. But he laid in his place, smile intact and eyes closed in peace._

_He realizes._

_He is obviously Mark’s to take. And dreamt of the day mark will say he wants him just as much._

…

“My baby boy is here!” he was engulfed in an enormous hug followed by a golden retriever jumping into the pile. Kisses landed on his cheeks and some licks from the dog.

His aunt, Johnny’s mother was a very good friend of his mother. And adored donghyuck in a very cheesy way but he can’t deny that he liked it just like that.

“Hello aunt yoona!” he greeted as he wiped his cheeks and smiled widely to her.

He bent to pet his aunt’s pet, “hello, Lexie.”

His mom had asked him to come home with her on a weekend. And the days aligned well since Monday is Christmas so that he can open presents on Christmas morning and head to college on the same day. He had convinced yangyang to water his plants once in a day.

In the following month from his move in, they bought fishes to keep in the living room. Donghyuck had insisted that he would like it very much if an aquarium was to be added to the living space. The apartment was big, so big that only the couch and the TV had looked too minimal; so with the help of ten and also taeyong, they found a goldfish and a cute angelfish. He was grateful for taeyong who encouraged him for that. The living space became more like home after adding some carpets and plants. The content feeling after he sat with yangyang looking around the newly arranged room was unmatched.

“hyuckie, come with me. I’ve brought your favorite holiday treat!” his aunt took his arm and led him towards the kitchen where his mother was in the middle of whipping something. She broke into a wide smile upon looking at her son.

“oh you are here. Your aunt here brought you some blueberry muffins.”

“yes I made some banana ones too. Say aaa-”

He giggles as his aunt babied him, feeding him big bites. He complimented that how delicious they were, his heart melted as his aunt wiped his mouth; his mother glancing at the scene with a fond smile.

“Delicious, aren’t they?” his mom asked, eyes twinkling as her friend went to the fridge to fetch some juice.

“yes mom. Very.”

He swallowed his bite, “When did you arrive, aunty?”

“Oh just ten or fifteen minutes ago, just before you came in. What were you doing upstairs? It was so quite. Your mother told me to not disturb you. Were you meditating? Yoga?”

“no.” he shook his head as he stole another muffin from the container. “I was working on a painting in my room.”

“really? Show me later okay?” his aunt asked as she poured juice in two glasses, while his mother opened the oven, taking out streaming hot croissants and placing them into a plate along with some blueberry muffins.

“of course.”

“Why don’t you take this to back yard?” haechan took the tray handed to him, careful not to spill any juice.

“Why?”

“oh Johnny is there.” His aunt snorted, “He came along too. Why don’t you go chat with him? Sometimes it feels like I don’t have a son because the way he keeps himself busy is insanely over the top.”

“oh. How is he?” Johnny is here? What would they even talk about?

“Why don’t you ask the idiot yourself? I don’t know anymore!” his aunt stressed over her son paying less attention to family and more at work. She went on complaining, his mother joining in here and there.

“Please tell him to get off the phone for once. I should thank my lucky stars that he agreed to drive your aunt here.” His mother motioned him to go, “hurry. The food’s getting cold.”

The glass French doors were ajar, sunlight creating warm hues on the lounge chairs in the verandah overlooking his mother’s huge garden filled with peonies and a wisteria tree in the corner in its full bloom.

Johnny stood in the middle of the garden, mindlessly picking at the leaves of the rose bush as he talked on the phone. He was dressed formally; shirt sleeves pulled up to his elbow.

He hesitated for a moment. But keeping the tray on the table, he called out.

“Johnny!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> : I feel relieved.  
> And sad at the same time. Because im moving in to college next week I think. There is so much to do. Like things to purchase and people to meet. I am actually nervous since im rooming with three other people, and all of them are seniors. Ugh. And to top that, my introverted ass will probably over think their every action and end up offending them unintentionally. I don’t want to be ragged. I don’t know > _<  
> Anyways, nct daily is my current source of joy and im making some artsy nct based posters i'll probably fame and take them with me. For room décor and all.  
> So about the update… Jaehyun may have some skeletons in his closet. Or not.  
> Im not done introducing all of the characters.  
> Whatever it is. It’s late. I’ll just look at these [pictures](https://twitter.com/lunarfullsun/status/1347954678173106176?s=19) and dream about haechan.


	11. how does it feel to be free?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 🖤some things are better locked up inside your head, never to be thought of. Some things are better to be hidden.  
> Donghyuck wants to be better, his determination taking him a long way. But has it?  
> Johnny ends up with mixed feelings and wants to untangle them, but at what cost?🖤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🙂this was a bit intense. But enjoy! see you at the end of this chapter!  
> 🌼🌼🌼

Donghyuck had always wondered, what could possibly go wrong if one has his life planned out, a precise blueprint for every occasion laid out on the table only for their eyes. What could possibly go wrong if people deliberately say things, do things for themselves and not for the sake of people wanting to hear them but wanting to have their thoughts out in the world. He wonders if an action, however small that is, affects the major events in any way, any tentative statement turns the table for anyone who wants their explicandum to be their endgame.

He looks at Johnny talking intently about the business deal he has been indecisive about and donghyuck couldn’t help but zone out as he chewed on the croissants. He could hear him talking, the sound being registered by his ears but too detached to comprehend the words.

Johnny has been too friendly, too casual to talk to someone who he hasn’t met in three years. It’s as if he wants to ignore the potential outburst of awkwardness because donghyuck has given up on continuing the one-sided conversation, where the older filled the gaps of not being responded to with his rant about his finance employees.

Donghyuck was pulled out of one of his trance by Johnny calling his name.

“Huh?”

“I said are you getting bored?” johnny smiled weakly, having finished his share of food, he pulled out his cellphone. “You’ve barely spoken two words to me.”

Donghyuck shrugged, “I zone out sometimes, I’m sorry.”

“is something bothering you?”

He looked at Johnny, scanning his face for something that tells him the older is just offended that he was not paying full attention to him, but finding none, he smiled and shook his head, “nothing’s bothering me. I am just thinking about visiting jaemin. It’s Christmas, I think I should buy something for him.”

Johnny frowned and pursed his lips. “I… can I go with you?”

“Why not.”

Donghyuck sipped his juice, wondering if he should ask johnny what he is thinking, the older was deep in thought, chewing his lips as if bemused by his confession.

“How are you by the way?” donghyuck broke the silence, for the sake of keeping it light and superficial. He’s afraid Johnny might look down on him if he reveals too much, and too many emotions were never good for a conversation as unfrequented as this.

Johnny laughed in amusement, “I’m doing fine. In fact, nothing’s been more perfect than now.”

Donghyuck nodded, “but aunt told me that you’ve been too busy with work.”

“It’s not working if I’m not busy.” Johnny tsked, clearly annoyed that his mother is again complaining behind his back. “Plus, I’m here? Doesn’t it count?”

“but you were on the phone before I came down here-“

“okay fine. Stop now.” Johnny crunched his nose, making donghyuck giggle. “it’s not like I don’t see her all the time at home.”

“okay, you didn’t come to our house in a long time so…” Donghyuck smirked, knowing full well that teasing Johnny has always ended with being teased in return, but he’s just so keen at keeping the lightsomeness in the air that has taken place.

“there’s a lot of things you have to keep up. So it becomes hectic sometimes.”

“things like?” he asked lightly.

“things like… anything.” Johnny shrugged, “You’ll understand someday.”

Donghyuck sighed, “yeah, of course. Like I want to dive into work headfirst like you. Not my cup of tea, to be honest.”

Johnny sat up straight, and by the look of seriousness on his face, donghyuck assumes he’s about to get lectured.

“it’s not only about work. You know it.” Johnny sipped his juice, “it’s also about making relations, making right friends and enemies. People will always be out in this world holding weapons in the form of emotional manipulation and let me tell you,” johnny huffed as if he rested his arms on the wooden table, “that’s the worst kind of weapon.”

Donghyuck frowned as a thought pricked his brain, like a tiny splint under your skin finding its way out, “do these people include Ten too?”

Johnny stared at him, eyebrows raised and a slight frown forming on his lips, taken aback by the question, “I don’t- what ten’s got to do with this conversation?”

Donghyuck blinked, maybe he is reading too much between the lines. “I just… thought ten…” what does ten think? How much both of them have moved on? Does it even matter? Does he want to ask? No, maybe.

Johnny sighed.

“We broke up ages ago… it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“But he said you guys are just taking a break.”

Johnny scoffed in disbelief, “we broke up. That’s it. I’ve moved on. I’m engaged now, look.”

Donghyuck stared at the ring on Johnny’s upright hand, not knowing if he should feel bad for ten or happy for Johnny. The simple picture he had created about their relation shattered as he realized it is so much more than the mutual pining and break-ups. He feels unexplainably sad as he thought back to the lost look on ten’s face when he told donghyuck about their break, the mirthless laugh of yearning only he can understand, because donghyuck has felt it. He had once looked into the mirror while carrying the same expression.

“Don’t tell anyone. Mom doesn’t know about this.”

“why?”

“I want it to be a surprise. Nobody knows except for you and mark-” he paused as he saw donghyuck stiffened at the mention of the name. “And how did you meet Ten? At university?”

“Yeah. His cousin and I are roommates… so I see him now and then.”

Johnny nodded, hesitating for a moment before he spoke again, “how is he doing?”

It was short and simple, no words hanging. Just a simple concern but still bringing a smile to donghyuck’s face, “he’s doing good I think. The other day I met with him and he said he’s pretty busy lately.”

“Ah, I see.”

Donghyuck glanced at the ring, a glistening platinum ring telling the jarring truth of the end to the past relationship and the beginning of a new one, stronger and impactful. “Who is the lucky person?”

“Her name is Joy, she’s wonderful.” Johnny smiled. Soft and fond.

“then I’m happy for you. I’m sure everyone’s going to be ecstatic to hear the news.”

“I sure hope so.” Johnny laughed humorously.

Johnny is a very jubilant person, finding joy (literally) wherever he goes, making people laugh and comfortable around him. It’s one of the many invariant features in their family, tracing back to his grandma donghyuck had once met on a rare occasion of Johnny’s graduation party when he was fourteen.

As the sun hid behind the roof casting chilled shadows in the garden, they decided to call it quits for the day.

After biding goodbye to his aunt and johnny, he headed to his room to resume his artwork, only to come down during dinner upon his father’s arrival.

He helped his mother set the table, his father lighting up the fireplace decorated with beautiful wreaths and candles. The atmosphere warm and cozy as parents shared a bottle of wine. Donghyuck thought back to previous Christmases a few years back when the house felt fuller, cheerer and an ambiance of playfulness lingered that made the holidays effortlessly enjoyable.

Donghyuck’s heart tightened as he looked around the table. The only sound of cutlery and occasional hums were quiet and but spoke volumes.

Now it just feels empty.

Like something is missing, when to be precise, someone _is_ missing. He glanced at his mother’s face. Focused on cutting the steak, his father busy putting lamb sauce on his piece of bread, and… he pushed around the food, hesitating to bring up anything. He sighed.

It doesn’t help that he’s lost the ability to start up a conversation when nothing is there to talk about when the air thickens with tension but he isn’t strong enough to cut through it. He feels weak and disheartened because of the fact that the son his parents had always thought to be a ray of sunshine is nowhere to be found but only a shell of a human who wants to block all his empty emotions by being quiet is sitting in front of them, knowing well enough that he’s doing nothing but adding more of bad mood to the pile of bad moods on the dining table.

His father decided to ask him about college after a few minutes of silence as the dinner neared its end. He told him about making new friends and his roommate agreeing with him to keep a fish. His parents were elated upon hearing that. His father was gruntled about the idea of keeping more pets and his mother cooing at the pictures he showed of the fishes.

He hugged his parents before going to bed, face buried deep in his soft blanket, as he thought back to what could’ve been and what couldn’t. On his subconscious mind he is aware that no matter how much he wants to neglect the incoming sorrow and grief, he’ll always end up in the dark pit devoid of serenity. He shivers as his mind drifts towards the past events of formless agitation and confusion when he didn’t know how to separate coping with sadness and self-abasement.

_Red. It’s all he could see._

He gripped his blanket as his pillow soaked in his endless tears. The warm nightlight having no effect on his cold heart’s arrhythmic beating; his shaky breath and sniffles filled the silence in his room. The picture of two boys on the nightstand faced downward.

_The metal fork fell on the floor with a loud clink, having been knocked out of donghyuck's hands. His mother gripped his hands. Tight. Too tight._

_Then there were heavy sobs and cries for help but it took a few seconds for him to realize that it’s his mother, calling out for his father for help in the dead of the night, her voice echoing through the kitchen walls._

_Why are you doing this?_

_Why don’t you talk to us?_

_Why do you think this the only solution?_

_Why?_

_Why?_

_Too many why’s and he doesn’t know the answer to any of them. He just stares at the blood, on his hands, on his mother’s and on the floor. On the fork two meters away from his feet. His mother slid down on the floor, heavy sobs breaking through her body, her both hands on her head as she broke down in front of her son._

_How am I suppose to help you?_

_What do I do?_

_Donghyuck…_

_His father paused on the doorway, a horrified look on his face, pale and too baffled for a moment to do anything, before rushing to donghyuck’s side. Taking his shaking hands into his own shaking ones, his father took him to the sink, quickly washing off the blood and when the bleeding didn’t stop, he hastily put paper towels to absorb the flowing red. Then he was pulled into a hug._

_But the whole time, he was a stagnant pool of emotion. Moved my nothing. The same feeling of hollowness immobile inside him as if emptiness has made itself home. He could not register the pain on his arms, the radiating concern from his parents, his mother’s restlessness and frustrations, his father’s unsteady breathing and fears. They were all too overwhelming, but could not go past the bubble haechan has created of nothingness. He was a walking black hole, devoid of emotions._

_“Mom… dad…” He looked past his father, to the night sky through the window. Dark and quiet._

_“I can’t feel.”_

_His mother stood up, sniffing and sobbing stumbling to hug her son filled with melancholy and despondency; depressed to his bones._

_“Feel what, honey?” his mother whispered, careful not to break her son further than he already has. Words soft and staggering as if dusting fragile glassware._

_“anything.”_

_The three stood in the middle of the kitchen in the dark, lit only by the cabinet lights, hugging each other and blood soaking slowly into their clothes._

_They cried, they whispered, supporting each other, everyone helpless and helpful at the same time._

_“help me,_

_Please.”_

_…_

The grass was soft and moist from the morning dew a few hours back, damp because the weather was cloudy and it has been days since the ground has touched any sunlight. It doesn’t snow here, so the festive season really looks a bit unobtrusive compared to what they show in movies and pictures. But he’s glad that he’s able to sit on the grass without worrying about his clothes getting wet.

He sighed as he traced the corners of the petals of white lilies, soft but a bit firm, just like the person in front of him.

He smiles.

It was never the end of them; him and jaemin.

They have a lot to say to each other. A lot to share.

He handed over the lilies,

“I missed you jaemin.”

“so much.”

“Merry Christmas.”

“I hope you are happy.”

He stroked the bed of grass, fine quality chosen by his father because he wants his son to be comfortable. He wants his son to never go through any hardship, no matter-

“Wherever you are.”

He glanced at the headstone, glassy-eyed and sad smile,

_Lee Jaemin_

_2000-2018_

_Beloved by his family and cherished by friends._

_May his soul rest in peace._

He must have sat there for a long time because before he knows it, there’s a hand resting on his shoulder.

“Maybe we should go now,” Johnny said. Voice quiet and cautious.

Donghyuck took a moment to register that his cheeks were damp and nose blocked as he spoke out an affirmation. Johnny offered his arm for the younger to get up.

As promised, Johnny had driven him to the church graveyard after they had breakfast and exchanging a few gifts. It was a calm morning, except for his mother making a fuss over him already leaving for his college until Johnny came to get him. It was a pleasant surprise, for both him and his mother that the older had bothered enough to keep his words.

It felt like a lifetime since he came to jaemin's burial place, the place slightly different from the spring his brother was laid down. The flowers on the fence were no longer there, the dogwood tree no longer blooming, but the gravestones remained the same.

He touched the jaemin’s headstone.

_I miss you._

_Wish you could say it back._

_Wish you could come back._

“haechan-ah.”

He looked at Johnny whose eyes were filled with clumsy commiseration, “don’t call me that.”

“then what do you want me to call you?”

“like everyone else; donghyuck.”

Looking one last time towards his brother, he walked away, Johnny following behind him as a silent company. He wanted to a little longer but he needs to head to his apartment. It wasn’t like any other day, of just him and jaemin. Alone. Talking about anything and nothing, or it’s just donghyuck talking to a piece of stone, personified as his brother inside his head, who nods back and talks back.

“donghyuck.”

“yes.”

They fell into synchronized steps beside each other. The older glancing at donghyuck as if testing the waters, cautious not to touch a soft spot when he is in his most vulnerable state.

“Are you okay with living alone? In the dorms?”

Donghyuck shook his head, smiling gratefully at his friend (sort of), “I don’t live alone. I live with yangyang in his apartment.”

“yangyang?”

The younger frowned, “ten’s cousin?”

Johnny’s steps faltered for a second, enough for donghyuck to look at him. “You don’t know who yangyang is… ?”

“I’ve heard his name in the passing from ten… I think”

Donghyuck nodded. “He’s really nice. And I’ve made a few friends. So it’s really not that bad.”

“okay. If you say so.”

They reached their car when Johnny paused, looking at donghyuck with a strange look, smile not reaching his eyes, “if you need anyone to talk to, you know I’m ready to listen, right?”

“I know, johnny. Thank you.”

Donghyuck is grateful for having people, no matter how few, to help him go through life. He might not forgive himself for making them suffer but he’s glad that they exist and he is forgiven. He feels like these small gestures and words make him want to dwell in the hopes of keeping them smiling in return.

His brother’s death has left him shattered in pieces, scarred and burned his soul till it reached the point of no return. He felt excruciating, deep to his bones as if someone had squeezed his heart, left empty to beat on nothing. He had thought nothing was the end of the world, that he would find other ways to be happy but it didn’t felt like it. The absence of jaemin felt like the end of the world. He would weep on the staircase, in front of jaemin’s door, wearing jaemin’s clothes to feel his brother’s presence when he knew nothing could bring him back. Nothing would ever be the same.

_“I wish he would smile more.” Donghyuck's mothers sighed, as she dried the glasses with a towel. Johnny paused, halfway through munching on a piece of apple._

_“Haechan?” johnny asked, looking at his mother’s friend. Her face dejected as if she had given up on her dreams of keeping her family happy. His mother was in the living room, talking to donghyuck’s father while donghyuck went back to his room. Isolating himself, as Mrs. Lee would say._

_“Yes. He’s been inside his room ever since he came home.” She wiped her damp eyes. “I thought going to college would make him happy.”_

_“Is he not?”_

_Mrs. Lee shook her head, “I don’t know… it’s like everything is the same. He still doesn’t talk to us.”_

_Johnny didn’t know how to respond to that. He glanced at the small family Polaroid on the fridge. The four; Mr. and Mrs. Lee, jaemin and donghyuck. All smiling widely, all of them piled in a hammock._

_The donghyuck smiling in the picture, he agrees, is not the same donghyuck he talked to an hour ago. The donghyuck he knew would not talk to him, would not like to sit with him and hear him talk about something he didn’t want to hear when today, clearly, donghyuck had been patient enough to sit through his rant, ask him how he is._

_“Is therapy helping?”_

_Mrs. lee sniffs, trying her best to hold back the tears. He could see it, the nights she would cry alone, not wanting her son to worry that she’s hurting. Hurting to see her son like that._

_“He says he feels better. But…” she took a deep breath, which wavered like a weak autumn leaf, “he’s not the same anymore.”_

Now that Johnny looks at donghyuck, looking out of the car window, lost in his thoughts; he can see it.

Yes. He is not the same anymore.

The younger clutched his backpack to his chest, mindlessly picking at the seams of the bag. However annoying and bratty he was before, the silence enveloping them was unusually foreign, and lacking the cheerful aura donghyuck used to carry- was something he never thought he would experience while sitting beside him. It never occurred to him to think about what he could possibly do in a situation like this. Where his bittersweet relation with donghyuck would just vanish just like that, that someone who would curse and throw a tantrum for being driven to college and not being provided with his own vehicle is no longer there but a person who finds comfort in being silent and not being questioned.

He’s worried.

No matter what he did in the past, considering he was just a teenager with a free spirit but a misunderstood one, he does not deserve to go through emotional turmoil for as long as he has. He wants to help, his mother wants to help as much as they could but he doesn’t know it would be of any effect. Their family has come a long way from the unfortunate death but they are far from reaching the milestone.

He glances away from the road to the boy sitting next to him upon reaching the apartment he gave the address to.

“hae- donghyuck. We are here.”

The said boy blinked a few times before zoning into the present time, from wherever he was. Johnny felt like this might be the time to hand out the present, so he did.

Donghyuck frowned, “Is this for me?”

Johnny laughed at the expression on his face, surprise, giddiness, and worry swarming in his eyes, “of course. it’s been quite a while since I gave you a present. Merry Christmas!”

Donghyuck smiled but soon it dropped, “but I didn’t get you anything…”

“Don’t worry about that. It’s fine.”

The smile returned, “Well then. Thank you so much for this.” He put the gift inside his backpack and proceeded to get out of the car. “And thank you for driving me here. Drive back safely!”

“No problem. See you.”

Donghyuck walked through the complex doors, greeting the receptionist on his way inside.

Johnny feels like he’s been here before, a vague memory on the back of his mind but refusing to make a clear picture. The surroundings looking familiar is unnerving, considering he’s here for the first time. Before he knows it, without any before or afterthought, he opens his chatbox, scrolling through conversation on top of conversations to the one which got buried deep down. He opens it, typing fast.

_Me: I need you to do me a favor._

He waited for a few seconds before the message was read. And then few more seconds before the dots appeared. He waited; seconds turning into minutes making him want to give up. As he was about to exit, a reply came.

_Ten: what could you possibly need from me?_

_Me: I want you to look out for haechan. He said you two are good now._

_Ten: you don’t have to tell me that. I do that more often than you._

_[You can't reply to this conversation]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t add pictures.🙊 Lmao. I don’t know where I should mention these, like do you want to look at the pictures before or after reading this. Please let me know in the comments.  
> I just want to say that I felt it. Deeply. Like I was writing about myself and not from anyone’s pov.  
> It is necessary to say that whoever felt like harming themselves and refrained from doing so, you are so so brave and strong. And those who succumbed to their self-harming impulse, you will get better. Because once you do that, you’ll realize the scars will remain forever reminding you that what you did was wrong.  
> I may be the wrong person to talk about self-love and such but I know this much that whatever you're going through, or already have, there is always a way out of that place. Keep fighting🥺🌹.  
> I am in no way similar to donghyuck. He is brilliant, talented, confident, and unstoppable. But he is also a human who has a limit to which he can endure the pressure and hate. If you get any signs from a person that shows they are self-harming themselves or are depressed, please lend a shoulder. It helps a LOT. Even two minutes of listening will make them feel like yes someone cares.  
> Stay happy and safe!💚💚💚


	12. underneath a mask, I'm staring at a wall.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two people find each other, what’s wrong with falling in love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here’s the piece, enjoy.  
> Don’t forget to check out the [thread](https://twitter.com/lunarfullsun/status/1352892657853493249) for the imagines.

The loud sound of the engine rumbled through the parking lot, shaking the walls as the bystanders turn to look at the owner of the motorcycle. The ride comes to a halt with a screech, gaining Mark’s attention.

He sighs as he too turns to look at the person, already knowing he’ll have to skip today’s class. He’s been caught red-handed.

She flips her hair as she removes her helmet, her getup over the top with the leather jacket.

_Did she HAVE to bring a motorcycle?_

“Mark!”

  
Yoo Karina, a freshman at university in the visual arts department and current heir of Lee corporation. Her popularity has skyrocketed in Korea with lightning speed after her arrival from the USA paired with the fact that her already established career as a model has given her numerous opportunities to work with many people, scoring her an excellent resume. People would give anything to be noticed by her; her beauty, social status, and immaculate academic score make her stand on an unreachable pedestal.

As a freshman, she wants to experience normal college life, taking a break from her modeling but still continuing her way towards her first line of clothes.

“Did you forget about today?” she smirks as she approaches Mark who was on his way to his anatomy class.

Mark sighs as she wraps her hands around him, leaving him no choice but to look into her eyes, “I didn’t, and I am just busy today till god knows when.”

“And has it stopped us before?” Karina smiled sweetly, her mole on her chin making her look exquisite. “Come on mark. It’s our anniversary. The least you can do is taking me on a date.”

“I…” Mark hesitated as he pried her arms away from him, conscious of the curious stares the other students were throwing at them. He gulped as he brainstormed for some excuse but came up with nothing. “I just… really have to take this class. I can’t afford to miss-”

“Please. You’re always studying and we haven’t spent any time since I returned home.” She pouted. Then she tiptoed and kissed his lips, “take me to your apartment. I missed you.”

Mark sighed. If he doesn’t give in now, he’ll never hear the end of it from his mother. Karina is like her daughter and he’s been nagged thoroughly once and he’s not about to change for a second round.

He looks at Karina. All smiles and intense eye contact. She’s been here for about a month and he hasn’t been anywhere except for his classes and coffee shops for studying and a change of scenery.

Guilt tugs on his mind as he realizes he’s not doing enough to invest in this relationship of convenience. Deep down he knows there is no going back now that he’s made a promise, his parents binding him to a ridiculous responsibility for the price of choosing his passion first, putting his interests first but all he can do now is to swallow the bitter pill of lack of options and suck it up. Now that he looks at it, Karina is not always home and he gets to keep his solitary lifestyle. But now that she’s back, maybe it’s time to level up and be the man.

Even though he doesn’t feel like being the man yet.

Later that afternoon, he’s in his room. His girlfriend lying next to him in the bed. Both naked and spent.

He was about to get up from their post-sex faineance when Karina pulled him back and buried her face into his chest.

“Where are you going?” she mumbled as she nuzzled deeper.

“I’m going to freshen up. Didn’t you say you wanted to go on a date?” mark stroked her straight and silk-like hair. She is adorable if she’s unguarded and relaxed but still manages to keep her posh-life air around her. The amount of pressure she must be going through because of her work and school, topping with people’s expectations and keeping her image as a socialite alongside her parents, must be saturating her inner self. But he likes to believe she’s a professional. At keeping her two worlds separate.

Mark cannot imagine doing that. And thus his choices in life.

He sighs as Karina looks up to cups his face and kiss him, deeply with much fervor, making him pull her closer and under him again, “I want to go on a date. Yes. But first I want you to see something I bought for you.” She says as they go for another round. Lazier and languid.

“What is it?” He mumbles out as he explores her body, kissing, touching, feeling. He clutches her arms above her, their bodies moving towards each other, away from each other. The rhythm perfect and practiced, the moves bold and sharp expecting nothing but pleasure.

“Mark… mark…” She chants as he dives deeper, searching for a sweet sanctum of her body, her squirms making her look like a begging woman, begging for nothing but to destroy her body with perfection. She lives for perfection. Spotless like her body, her mind, her life. She craves perfection. That’s what he’ll give her. Nothing but utter perfection.

“Mark, please, yes yes…ahh” she falls apart with a tremble, her mouth half-open in a silent cry. Mark continues until he cums too, both of them smiling at each other as they take deep breathes. Lying on the bed, trying to catch their breath.

“now let’s get up.” Karina gets up from the bed, mark watching her as she stretches, her back facing him, naked except for the shirt mark had discarded earlier. He eyes her making her way towards her bag, rummaging through it to retrieve a small slender box.

“happy two years, baby.” She says as she hands it over to mark and heads for the bathroom.

He sighs as he stares at the gift.

The thing is he hasn’t expected his so-called relationship to progress this far. Initially, he was informed that getting close to Karina would suffice the requirements. But then the business contract, of course, needed a legal bond between the mergers, and truth to be told, he was furious at the fact that being an only child in the family has landed him here. But as time went by, he didn’t see the problem in it. He understood that there isn’t much for him to do besides keeping a good relation with Karina and her family and eventually marry her which would make both sides happy. Karina will take over the conglomerate. It’s the least he could do to maintain peace between him and his parents.

He needs to value Karina’s understanding of his current mindset and truth to be told, she isn’t that bad as people expect her to be. Yes, she might be a little uptight with people she doesn’t know, and based on his own personality, he understands too. Aside from the public displays of affection, he doesn’t mind her much.

They are both workaholics, trying to keep themselves busy as much as possible and it’s therapeutic.

So that’s why when he opens the box and finds a beautiful watch with all kinds of shine in it, he feels bad for almost forgetting their anniversary. He didn’t get her anything, and her not expecting anything in return but to spend time with him on their date is a huge weight to carry. 

He vaguely remembers purchasing a pendant for his mother’s birthday which is in a month. Maybe he should gift her that and buy something else for his mother later when he gets time. He doesn’t want to look like an ungrateful person in front of Karina and the fear of his mother judging him for forgetting to buy something for his soon-to-be fiancé is just a cherry on top.

The bathroom door opens, Karina coming out with a towel wrapped around her, “so?” she smiled, “do you like it?”

“Yeah. It’s beautiful. I love it.” He smiled back, watching her make her way towards the closet, contemplating, whether he should give it or not. In the end, he decides there’s no harm in it. She’ll be happy and that’s the end result mark needs.

“there’s…there’s a gift for you too. In the second drawer to the left.” He said from where he sat on the bed.

Karina turned to him with a huge smile, “for me? God mark…you didn’t have to.” she opened the drawer as instructed, pulling out the necklace and taking it to the vanity mirror. “this is for me? I love it mark. This is gorgeous!”

She turns to him with eyes filled with wonder staring at the piece of jewelry, “put it on for me.”

He gets up from his sitting place, making his way towards her as she gathers her hair, waiting for Mark to clip the chain in place. He’s glad she liked it, he might be imperfect, forgetting their anniversary and almost disappointing his mother but he knows how to make a way out of it. He can buy something else if-

He freezes for a moment as he recognizes the thing, settled neatly on Karina’s porcelain-like neck.

_Haechan’s…_

“Mark?” Karina curiously peeks at him as he licks his lips, searching for an excuse for getting it off of her hands. It’s old, it’s worn out, it’s nothing like her and entirely wrong in its existence on her body.

“I- I think you got the wrong neclac-“

“This is not for me?” Karina frowns.

“No. I had another one. It was beside this I think.” he makes his way towards his drawer where he had kept them. Why did he keep this in the first place, he had no idea. He should probably get rid of it later.

“That was labeled for your mother, Mark,” she deadpanned, “don’t tell me you even forgot what pendant looks like?”

_Shit._

“I- yeah. Must have slipped my mind. This is yours.” He stammered out and pointed at the one she’s currently holding. The sun charm perfectly reminding him of the mistake of keeping it.

“It must be so expensive. I think I saw something similar to this at an exhibition of an Italian designer a few months back. The whole time I was starstruck by it.” She went on to tell him about her experience in the antique museum showcase as mark clipped the hooks of the necklace, where she had fallen in love with various valuables similar to the one mark gifted her.

Mark ponders the fact about Karina thinking the necklace holding an enormous amount of value and history. When it does holds a story behind it, but he likes to think it is nothing but a cheap material, shaped carefully so that it looks expensive. She may think the scratches and worn out film of gold shows the storm it went through, the extremely well-done craftsmanship had outdone itself; it is nothing but one piece from many at a small shop beside the Hawaii beach.

“Do you really like it?” he asked skeptically as Karina started dressing, wearing her clothes she’s brought as an extra. He doubts anyone would like the dull piece of jewelry.

She hugs mark, resting her head on his chest, “I love it mark. I promise.” She pulls away to look into his eyes, “I really love this kind of jewelry. Plus it’s your gift for me in a long time. So I’m going to cherish it.”

He feels really bad now. Giving her something so cheap is making him feel like a betrayer, like he needs to really make up for it. “Okay then.” He smiles at her, “thank you for your gift too.”

“I’m going to be honest mark..” she hesitates as she picks up her bag, “at first I didn’t think we would come this far. But I’m glad we did.”

“hm. Me too.” He answers.

They smiled at each other before Karina heads towards the front door.

“What about the date? I skipped my classes and now your leaving?” mark follows her, bare feet on the marble floor.

Karina turns and hugs him for the second time, kissing him on his cheeks, “I’m sorry. I just wanted to give you a present and spend time with you. But I have a meeting in just an hour. Maybe next week? If you are free?”

“Okay. We’ll see.”

“bye, mark!”

“bye.”

Then for the next few hours, he laid in his bed facing towards the ceiling staring at the designer lights his planner had installed last month.

This feels a little unreal. The way he had skipped his classes, the way he had kissed in front of the whole public to see, the way he ended up giving his girlfriend a cheap gift in the disguise of an antique valuable piece.

The way he had managed to drag haechan back to his life, unknowingly.

It was tragic, really. Maybe he should cut haechan some slack, paired with the fact that jaemin had passed away and the fight breaking in the cafeteria between the art kid and him back in highschool, leaving him no one. But haechan was toxic in an unexplainable manner, eating away at the bond he had believed he made with the younger. He was beyond disappointed in knowing that he would go to the extent of bullying mark’s friends in order to keep them away from him. But soon his disappointment turned into disgust as the younger would not stop at any line. The jealousy and the growth of romantic feelings were beyond his understanding. He did not understand why haechan would suddenly ask him to be his date, and truth to be told, haechan would not have stopped and Mark was disgusted by his play of gaining attention.

But the other day, he had dressed differently, talked differently, and looked different. But his eyes had held the same hardness the day he had said he hated mark. He still remembers the day, way too vividly than necessary. How could he not? The parasites latching onto his mind; haechan and his father had told him to do whatever the fuck he wanted with a necklace and a college application. The night had left him with too many mixed emotions.

Maybe he needs to get a life outside of his studies and put himself out there to be a little more social. But as he looks towards the pile of books and notes, he sighs and discards the thought right away. It doesn’t really matter now, meeting new people just doesn’t make any sense anymore since the last thing he needs is people getting into his life and fuck it up again.

He gets up and curses as he sits down to study.

_Haechan can go fuck himself._

…

On the other side of the town, donghyuck was heading to his apartment after a long day of college. Most of the people living in the dorms inside the campus usually leave for their rooms in between two classes which usually has a gap of an hour or so. But since his apartment needs a solid twenty-minute walk, he chooses to hang out in the cafeteria or the library and get some work done. So by the time he reaches home, the day almost ends.

He quickened his steps as he saw a few guys hanging out in the parking lot.

He hadn’t expected to gain any attention but the intention of being a wallflower in college is out of option. No matter how much he tries to avoid being the center of attention he always ends up being one.

The catcalls had started a few days after he returned to college, on the way to his home as if they had memorized his schedules. But every time they come closer and closer, to the point of whispering foul things, almost touching him but never dare to. It creeps him out, his inner self shivering at the thought of them.

But he chooses to keep his head low and close his eyes and run away from them, away from their disgusting looks. Maybe this is what Ten had warned him about that day. The older had insisted on driving him home whenever he feels uncomfortable but donghyuck cannot bring himself to call Ten, who is busy almost all the time being a graduate student, just to drive him home for being catcalled.

He needs to suck it up and be brave for once, but how could he when the strangers are standing right outside the store he intended on visiting. The stationary store Sungchan had told him to pick a binder for this semester’s portfolio from was right outside of the college, but still far enough for no one to loiter around. He takes a deep breath, speed walking as he contemplates whether it’s worth going through a daily dose of harassment or not.

“Pretty boy is heading home again.” One of them whispered to the others, and all of a sudden four pairs of eyes were on him, looking him up and down.

“Look we are matching today.” Another one called out to him. “Don’t you wanna take a photo with us?”

“Damn, look at him ignoring. Attitude much?” one scoffed, abruptly blocking his way to the store. He could see the cashier bobbing his head with huge headphones on the other side of the glass doors. The surrounding suddenly feeling empty as no one comes to this side of the university hill. His heart pounds as he looks up at the senior, chewing his gum and glaring down at him. He had long hair, pulled partially into a bun.

“what? Can’t you show some respect to seniors?” he snarled as one of them pulled out their phone, holding up to take a photo, grabbing donghyuck’s arm, startling him.

“Please, let go.” He pleaded as he tried to pry his arms as respectfully as he can. The fear of being hurt was plaguing his mind. He really doesn’t want to get into something like this, where he becomes the prime victim, unable to do anything. His breathing becomes frantic as seconds go by, his eyes almost tearing up as they continue to grab his arms, and shoulder, making him cower in disgust.

“Why don’t you take a picture huh?”

“We are good guys. We are just asking you to be our friend.”

“Yeah, don’t be such a killjoy. Let’s take a pho-“

“babe?”

Haechan freezes as he hears the store door close, jaehyun’s voice interrupting the long-haired guy and his friends.

_Babe?_

He turns to look at Jaehyun, who was looking at him with wide eyes. Donghyuck sighs in relief as he is released after a few seconds of the guys looking back and forth between him and Jaehyun.

“Why didn’t you tell us you have such a pretty boyfriend, Jung?” the tallest one smirked.

“back off, Minho.” Jaehyun almost growled.

“ah yes. Whatever. Let’s go.” They then walked away, but not without giving donghyuck a once over. It takes a few moments to get his breathing and heartbeat normal, the suffocation from earlier still lingering even with their absence.

“Are you okay?” jaehyun’s mellow voice was closer than it was before. He looks at the senior, clad in all black, contrasting his snow-white skin, beside him with a worried frown on his face.

“yeah.. yeah just a bit surprised.” Donghyuck tried his best to smile, the stretch coming out a bit wobbly.

Jaehyun nodded, “I’m sorry I let them assume the boyfriend thing…”

“No. I should be thanking you.” Donghyuck shook his head, “if it hadn’t been for you, I don’t know what they would’ve..”

“They are harmless but they tend to do this now and then. Don’t mind them much. Did you have something to pick up?”

“Yes. I do.”

After he bought his things, Jaehyun accompanied him home. Both of them walked on the sidewalk, taking their time and ice-creams on their hands. It was peaceful.

Jaehyun is not much of a talker but when he dives into a topic of his interest, it’s really fun to listen to him. He puts a smile on donghyuck’s face when he deeply explains why he should not believe in ghosts, it’s really silly but very adorable. Over the past weeks, they have encountered each other on their way to their classes or simply at the cafeteria where they would sit and talk, while Sungchan leaves suspiciously to join his other Japanese friend. But he doesn’t mind being alone in jaehyun’s company. He is really handsome with a clumsy hand, always spilling his coffee, and keeps losing his papers.

He gets it. Jaehyun is a handsome man with immaculate charms that makes people turn around and check him out. Other than that he doesn’t see why ten had told him to stay away from him. Moreover, it is college, everyone’s bound to get into relationships, donghyuck knows he would too. Eventually.

He looks at Jaehyun, who is trying to unnoticeably lick off a melted drop on the cone.

Ten must have some deep rivalry to warn him several times to stay away from Jaehyun, and donghyuck doesn’t think it was a wise thing to do since he can clearly see that Jaehyun is nothing but an angel who just saved him from getting molested and insisted on walking him home to just be safe. He admits that spending time with Jaehyun gives him butterflies and makes him shy, but he likes the normalcy of just being comfortable.

Maybe it’s because Jaehyun is not someone he was trying to run from but trying to get close to, maybe it was because little of his rebel child still remains that wants to defy ten’s words. Maybe it’s just that Jaehyun is unrealistically handsome and nice.

“We are here,” Donghyuck says as he notices the familiar railing of the entrance to his complex. “I live here.”

“You know it’s really dangerous and time consuming to live off-campus?” Jaehyun said with a tilt in his head.

“I know. But I don’t want to be overwhelmed by too many people.” Donghyuck had no other choice, considering he's still progressing with his mental health; it’s too dangerous to live on the campus either.

“I understand.” Jaehyun smiled, getting a little closer to donghyuck, “I’m really sorry that happened back there. You should not walk alone home like this.”

The younger sighed, “I know but I don’t have any choice, my friend lives on the campus and I can’t drive.”

“Why?” Jaehyun looked confused, the dimple appearing as he pursed his lips.

“I never learned how to.”

Jaehyun smiled, “okay I’ll teach you someday. In the meantime, I’ll walk you home like this.”

“You don’t have to! Today I was just unlucky.” Donghyuck shook his head, “now I feel bad that you’ll have to walk all the way back to campus.”

“Then how about I drive you home? But I’d rather take my time and walk with you.” Jaehyun smiled sideways, looking for donghyuck’s reaction.

The younger on the other hand was a blushing mess, barely containing his smile at jaehyun’s obvious flirting, “you really don’t have to…”

“Wait for me from tomorrow and text me before heading home okay?”

“Jaehyun-“

“I insist.” Then he comes closer, his fingers lightly touch donghyuck’s, “I want to get to know you, donghyuck.” He whispers, only for donghyuck’s ears, deep voice rumbling through his chest. “I know Ten must have told you things about me but… believe me those are not really true. I really like you and want to get to know you. Let’s start with being friends?”

A moment passed.

“of-of course.” Donghyuck managed to get the words out without his voice cracking.

Jaehyun’s eyes looked into his for a moment, warm eyes telling nothing but an honest statement, before turning into crescents when he smiled. Jaehyun stepped back; leaving donghyuck short on air, heart thumping uncontrollably.

The older handed him the phone to type in his number, donghyuck’s phone pinging with a message when Jaehyun sent him a message to save his number.

“Don’t forget to call me okay? See you tomorrow!” with that Jaehyun turned and walked off, turning a corner and disappearing from donghyuck’s sight.

Donghyuck sighed, what a long day, but the smile on his face was not getting off no matter how much he tries. His mood lifts further when he enters his apartment and sees yangyang feed the fishes. His day couldn’t be more pleasantly eventful because of Jaehyun.

On the other hand Jaehyun on his way back to the dorms, whips out his phone, checks the time, and opens donghyuck’s chat.

_Me: hi!_

_Me: jae here!_

_Donghyuck: hi! Go back safely!_

_Me: I will._

_Me: good night. <3_

_Donghyuck: good night!_

Then he closes it and opens the next conversation whose message he hadn’t opened for a day, hesitating before typing furiously before he backs out.

_Me: we’re over._

_[Tap to unmute this conversation]_

Jaehyun takes a deep breath before pocketing his phone, which he knows would’ve vibrated out of his pocket with the amount replies he was bound to get, but he doesn’t want anything to ruin his good mood.

He is in an extremely good mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m late again. But now it’s nearly impossible to update regularly because I’ve been packing for my college move in, and getting prepared. Mentally and physically. Since I am the only one that signed up for this course, I’m beyond scared about how my college life is going to turn out. I’m more scared for my academics uhuhuh.  
> Also, don’t hesitate to leave a comment about how you liked the chapter because I want to see how the interaction between the character looks from someone else pov other than mine.  
> The search through Pinterest is so fun. >0< like I can’t get enough of the pictures.  
> Anyways we’re almost a month into 2021 and I think the year’s gon be over with just a blink. I am sad. I’m growing older. T0T  
> Bye bye

**Author's Note:**

> hii. hope you like it!! if you enjoy leave kudos and comments and share your thoughts on characters!! 🤩💚💚💚 please give love!! and give love to nct!! they are going to go long way!!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚


End file.
